Category Archives: RUGBY

RATTUE NAMED AS ALL BLACK ASSISTANT COACH


All Black senior coach Steve Hansen has named NZ Herald columnist Chris Rattue as his assistant coach for the next two years. Rattue’s appointment is a  shock to many who believed that Chiefs coach Ian Foster was a dead certainty for the position. However, it was a buoyant Steve Hansen who made the announcement this morning in front of a large press contingent.

Apparently Rattue will be in charge of media relations and take over from Hansen as HWM (Head of Whinging and Moaning), a post that Hansen had held exclusively for the last 8 years under Sir Graham Henry. Rattue has a lot of experience as HWM, a role he perfected at NZ HERALD while Graham Henry was coach of the All Blacks.

Hansen was full of praise for the NZ Herald writer who has been writing on rugby for the last 10 years. Hansen said “Rattue brings to the post a strong media background, a complete disregard for reasoned debate and the ability to talk utter nonsense. I think he will be perfect for the role.”

Hansen was quick to pour cold water on suggestions that Rattue would be out of his depth on the finer points of the game, highlighting that because he was ‘the media’ he could write what he liked and most people will believe him.

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DEANS AND COOPER NAMED ALL BLACK SECRET AGENTS OF THE YEAR


The NZRFU have this morning called back its legion of rugby ‘secret agents’ sent out 4 years ago in preparation for the 2011 rugby World Cup. The last trio of agents, including Dingo Deans, Quade Cooper and Digby Ioane, were last night involved in their last assignment in the semi-final game against the All Blacks.

It has been well documented within New Zealand media the roles of Deans, Cooper and Ionia, as secret agents sent out by New Zealand Rugby to disrupt opposition build up and planning. They were part of around 30 odd players sent out by Graham Henry 4 years ago with the mandate from Henry to disrupt, distort and ultimately railroad their newly selected countries. Looking at results this team of secret agents have done their job perfectly with Gatland, Deans and Quade Cooper no doubt the stand outs

Warren Gatland did a superb job at Wales, managing to come across as a good coach and get the Welsh moving forward but by failing to teach them how to tackle within the laws of the game he realised they would come unstuck at key times. At this stage Gatlands future is not certain but most wouldn’t be surprised if he is sent out on another ‘mission’ to either Wales or England.

However, it is secret agent Deans and his side kick Cooper who have been the most effective secret agents in their 4 year overseas mission. Like Gatland, Cooper, has managed to impress enough to win approval in his adopted country but when push has come to shove he has come through for New Zealand with dismal performances. Well Done, Quade, New Zealand salutes you.

Deans has been equally as effective for New Zealand and has even managed to get the Australian rugby Union to sign him on for another 4 years of secret service for New Zealand rugby. Deans has had the team for 4 years and in that time has failed to find a forward pack, failed to develop a game plan capable of beating and all black team ripped apart with injury and importantly failed to win against teams like Samoa and Ireland in World Cup year. But off the field he is a ‘fantastic bloke’ and the lack of ‘fantastic blokes’ in Aussie means that most probably the NZRFU will extend his secret service after Christmas.

Initially the NZRFU had been against Henry sending out these New Zealanders on a mission of this kind. Without doubt it is the first time it has been done to this degree and if the All Blacks manage to win this weekend against France you can bet that come 2012 a new group of New Zealanders will be sent out for mission ‘twenty fifteen’.
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ROLLAND FORGETS 'NICE GUY' CLAUSE IN IRB RULEBOOK


Irish referee Allain Rolland has apologised to the Welsh team after failing to enforce the ‘he’s a nice guy’ clause in the IRB rule book. Rolland caused an international rugby storm when he sent of Welsh captain Warburton just 17 minutes into the game for an illegal tackle which saw him raise the opposition player’s legs above the shoulders.

Ordinarily this offense is an automatic red card, but Rolland forgot to take into account that Warberton is a nice guy and nobody likes this French team. Many people believe this event caused Wales to loose the game despite them missing numerous shots at goal, that most Welsh 65 year old women could have slotted.

Speaking after the game Roland had this to say, ” I’m am sorry to all Welsh players and supporters with my decision. I forgot that there is a ‘nice guy’ clause in the IRB rulebook and ultimately I believe this decision cost the Welsh team. I understand now that if it was a French player who did that I could have sent them off, because they are thugs and can’t play rugby. In future I will remember that there are different rules for different players and in different games.

Sam Warburton also spoke to Ozy Mandias after the game and had this to say about the Welsh referee.

“I just cant understand it. In Wales I can break the law all I like and get away with it. Only the other day I was doing 120mph on the motor way and I got pulled over by the police. Thankfully, he knew who I was and knows I am a good guy and my actions weren’t malicious so I got let off. That is the way Sam Warburton rolls.

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GOD DEFEND NEW ZEALAND


Brad Thorn is planning to sing ‘God defend New Zealand’ with a little more gusto this weekend.

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WEEPU TO RUN IN GENERAL ELECTION


All Black half-back Piri Weepu has decided to run in the upcoming general election. Weepu made the announcement at the All Black press conference this morning, explaining that he is now doing so much on the field he might as well start pulling his weight in the local community.

The versatile player, who is in the form of his life, seems to have had a new lease of life since the departure of Dan Carter. He is now playing half back, 1st five and with McCaw also injured it looks like the man himself may need to cover three positions this Sunday.

Speaking to Ozy Mandias Warning Weepu had this to say.

“I have just suddenly realise how good I am at doing things. I don’t think there is anything I can’t do, so I might as well give politics a go. Politically speaking I see myself on the ‘I’ve got this covered’ area of the political spctrum. This probably sees my align more with National rather than Labour who seem to be ‘let the government do everything’.

At this stage Weepu hasn’t decided on an electorate but campaign banners have been made which all have the ‘I’ve got this covered’ slogan which seems to be both his rugby and political slogans at this moment. Political commentators believe his ‘do it yourself’ style will be attractive to voters and nobody is ruling out Weepu having both a Rugby World Cup winners medal and the position of Minister of sport come December this year.
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JANE SMOKES ARGENTINIANS


Smoking Jane has hit back at critics in the best possible way, by producing a stellar performance as the All Blacks beat Argentina in their semi final game. Caught midweek lighting a cigarette in a pub the All Black winger felt public pressure and responded as only he knows how.

Ozy Mandias was fortunate enough to catch up with the All Black prior top his post match puff and he had this to say.
“Last nights performance was for every smoker in New Zealand. We are a marginalised group of people and my hope is that by showing smoking can actually improve your performance I have bought the issue into the public eye. Next week I am thinking of smoking a cigar and then just imagine what I will do against the Wallabies.”

Apparently Jane has turned to nicotine after the All Black management banned twitter. This caused a huge void in Jane’s spare time and not being an x-box fan, smoking seemed the next best option.

Jane was quick to point out that he only uses IRB approved cigarettes and requests the smoking section of the changing room when preparing for a game.
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TINDALL DELIGHTED AT RWC EXIT – LETS HIT THE NIGHTCLUB


Mike Tindall, the English rugby captain, is over the moon his side has been eliminated from the Rugby World Cup. Unlike most teams at the tournament, who have come here to win, the English team arrived in New Zealand with a holistic approach to the 2011 tournament. Apparently, unhappy with previous years when ‘winning’ was the only focus, the 2011 team have spent their 6 weeks partying, boozing and when called upon they have played the odd game of rugby.

Speaking exclusively to Ozy Mandias Warning, Tindall was pleased the tournament was over for his team.
“It hasn’t been easy boozing, night clubbing and chasing women midweek and then having to back up in the weekend and play test match rugby. Pleasingly, now that the rugby is over we only have one focus while here in New Zealand and it is spelt P-A-R-T-Y.

When asked about the tough schedule, Tindall called on the IRB to make changes for the 2015 tournament.

“It’s not easy for 1st tier nations at this Rugby World Cup. Playing every 6 days didn’t give us enough time to drink in all the pubs we wanted to and with nightclubs only open Wednesday through Sunday it was difficult to get any real consistency with our visits. I’m not saying we didn’t try, but in the end the fact of the matter is we weren’t good enough both on and off the field.

Tindall also called for the IRB to implement a ban on wives and girlfriends at future tournaments. While he wouldn’t comment publically, it is common knowledge that Tindall has been vocal in his belief that WAGS cause players to loose focus during elite sporting competitions. As yet there has been no reply from the IRB appart from them forwarding a telegraph they received from Buckingham Palace about 2 weeks ago

Dear Mike    – c/o English Rugby Union

Can we please meet for a chat.

Regards

The Queen

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NEVER FEAR COLIN IS HERE



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ADAM KLEEBERGER FINED FOR NON IRB APPROVED BEARD


Canadian rugby player Adam Kleeberger has been fined $15,000 by the IRB for growing a unapproved beard during Rugby World Cup 2011. The fine comes only a couple of days after Samoan winger Alesana Tuilagi was fined $10,000 for wearing a non-approved mouth guard in his side’s 27-7 win over Fiji. 

Apparently, the IRB have signed a deal with shaving giant Gillette and the growing of any beard from a Rugby World Cup player was illegal under the sponsorship contract that they signed  a year prior to the tournament.

IRB spokesman, Ima Gitt, from Wales was unrepentant with the fine, saying the following in a pre written statement using IRB approved stationary.

“The beauty about the Rugby World Cup is that nobody has a clue about the rules, on or off the field. Just look at how useless our refs are doing on the field confusing the players and fans with stupid decisions. Pleasingly we are making just as good a job off the field to make this tournament a rip roaring lottery. Just wait until we get to the semis and finals and really and start being really nasty.”

Apparently his last jibe is directed at the All Blacks who have a number of players who break IRB contracts everytime they step onto the field. Ozy Mandias Warning has managed to track down a list of players who could face fines at finals time unless some drastic changes are made.

Sonny Bill Williams has a non approved IRB tattoo.

Dan Carter doesn’t wear IRB approved Y front underwear, preferring the slinky ‘jockey’ brand.

Ma Nonu wears a rival mascara to the official mascara used by IRB officials.

Brad Thorn has biceps that apparently exceed the IRB limit for a white man.

Israel Dagg and Adam Thompson both use try celebrations that have yet to be passed by the IRB’s approved celebration committee.
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RICHARD KAHUI NAMED INJURED PLAYER OF THE YEAR


Richard Kahui has continued his fine form and has gained IRB recognition by being named the world’s most injured player for 2011. Pleasingly the announcement of his award coincides nicely with him currently injured the All Blacks push into the quarter finals of the Rugby World Cup.  Kahui shocked everyone by actually being fit for three games in a row at the start of the RWC but he now seems back to his normal game-injury-game-injury routine.

“Injuries are brill,” the 26l-year old told Ozymandias Warning. “Everyone’s fussing over you, you get crutches, x-rays, there’s all these types of drugs you get to take, all for free. It is just amazing.”

Kahui, who has had recent injuries on his left knee, his right knee, his right ankle, his coccyx, and both kidneys, admits it has been difficult balancing injuries with play, but is confident his priorities lie in the right place.

“It’s not that I don’t like rugby,” explained the Waikato star. “Rugby’s perfectly okay much of the time. But given a choice between running about and getting smashed for 80 minutes against South Africa or having everyone fuss over me, pass me the crutches and give me an x-box any day.”