All Black half-back Piri Weepu has decided to run in the upcoming general election. Weepu made the announcement at the All Black press conference this morning, explaining that he is now doing so much on the field he might as well start pulling his weight in the local community.

The versatile player, who is in the form of his life, seems to have had a new lease of life since the departure of Dan Carter. He is now playing half back, 1st five and with McCaw also injured it looks like the man himself may need to cover three positions this Sunday.

Speaking to Ozy Mandias Warning Weepu had this to say.

“I have just suddenly realise how good I am at doing things. I don’t think there is anything I can’t do, so I might as well give politics a go. Politically speaking I see myself on the ‘I’ve got this covered’ area of the political spctrum. This probably sees my align more with National rather than Labour who seem to be ‘let the government do everything’.

At this stage Weepu hasn’t decided on an electorate but campaign banners have been made which all have the ‘I’ve got this covered’ slogan which seems to be both his rugby and political slogans at this moment. Political commentators believe his ‘do it yourself’ style will be attractive to voters and nobody is ruling out Weepu having both a Rugby World Cup winners medal and the position of Minister of sport come December this year.
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Smoking Jane has hit back at critics in the best possible way, by producing a stellar performance as the All Blacks beat Argentina in their semi final game. Caught midweek lighting a cigarette in a pub the All Black winger felt public pressure and responded as only he knows how.

Ozy Mandias was fortunate enough to catch up with the All Black prior top his post match puff and he had this to say.
“Last nights performance was for every smoker in New Zealand. We are a marginalised group of people and my hope is that by showing smoking can actually improve your performance I have bought the issue into the public eye. Next week I am thinking of smoking a cigar and then just imagine what I will do against the Wallabies.”

Apparently Jane has turned to nicotine after the All Black management banned twitter. This caused a huge void in Jane’s spare time and not being an x-box fan, smoking seemed the next best option.

Jane was quick to point out that he only uses IRB approved cigarettes and requests the smoking section of the changing room when preparing for a game.
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Mike Tindall, the English rugby captain, is over the moon his side has been eliminated from the Rugby World Cup. Unlike most teams at the tournament, who have come here to win, the English team arrived in New Zealand with a holistic approach to the 2011 tournament. Apparently, unhappy with previous years when ‘winning’ was the only focus, the 2011 team have spent their 6 weeks partying, boozing and when called upon they have played the odd game of rugby.

Speaking exclusively to Ozy Mandias Warning, Tindall was pleased the tournament was over for his team.
“It hasn’t been easy boozing, night clubbing and chasing women midweek and then having to back up in the weekend and play test match rugby. Pleasingly, now that the rugby is over we only have one focus while here in New Zealand and it is spelt P-A-R-T-Y.

When asked about the tough schedule, Tindall called on the IRB to make changes for the 2015 tournament.

“It’s not easy for 1st tier nations at this Rugby World Cup. Playing every 6 days didn’t give us enough time to drink in all the pubs we wanted to and with nightclubs only open Wednesday through Sunday it was difficult to get any real consistency with our visits. I’m not saying we didn’t try, but in the end the fact of the matter is we weren’t good enough both on and off the field.

Tindall also called for the IRB to implement a ban on wives and girlfriends at future tournaments. While he wouldn’t comment publically, it is common knowledge that Tindall has been vocal in his belief that WAGS cause players to loose focus during elite sporting competitions. As yet there has been no reply from the IRB appart from them forwarding a telegraph they received from Buckingham Palace about 2 weeks ago

Dear Mike    – c/o English Rugby Union

Can we please meet for a chat.


The Queen

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Canadian rugby player Adam Kleeberger has been fined $15,000 by the IRB for growing a unapproved beard during Rugby World Cup 2011. The fine comes only a couple of days after Samoan winger Alesana Tuilagi was fined $10,000 for wearing a non-approved mouth guard in his side’s 27-7 win over Fiji. 

Apparently, the IRB have signed a deal with shaving giant Gillette and the growing of any beard from a Rugby World Cup player was illegal under the sponsorship contract that they signed  a year prior to the tournament.

IRB spokesman, Ima Gitt, from Wales was unrepentant with the fine, saying the following in a pre written statement using IRB approved stationary.

“The beauty about the Rugby World Cup is that nobody has a clue about the rules, on or off the field. Just look at how useless our refs are doing on the field confusing the players and fans with stupid decisions. Pleasingly we are making just as good a job off the field to make this tournament a rip roaring lottery. Just wait until we get to the semis and finals and really and start being really nasty.”

Apparently his last jibe is directed at the All Blacks who have a number of players who break IRB contracts everytime they step onto the field. Ozy Mandias Warning has managed to track down a list of players who could face fines at finals time unless some drastic changes are made.

Sonny Bill Williams has a non approved IRB tattoo.

Dan Carter doesn’t wear IRB approved Y front underwear, preferring the slinky ‘jockey’ brand.

Ma Nonu wears a rival mascara to the official mascara used by IRB officials.

Brad Thorn has biceps that apparently exceed the IRB limit for a white man.

Israel Dagg and Adam Thompson both use try celebrations that have yet to be passed by the IRB’s approved celebration committee.
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Richard Kahui has continued his fine form and has gained IRB recognition by being named the world’s most injured player for 2011. Pleasingly the announcement of his award coincides nicely with him currently injured the All Blacks push into the quarter finals of the Rugby World Cup.  Kahui shocked everyone by actually being fit for three games in a row at the start of the RWC but he now seems back to his normal game-injury-game-injury routine.

“Injuries are brill,” the 26l-year old told Ozymandias Warning. “Everyone’s fussing over you, you get crutches, x-rays, there’s all these types of drugs you get to take, all for free. It is just amazing.”

Kahui, who has had recent injuries on his left knee, his right knee, his right ankle, his coccyx, and both kidneys, admits it has been difficult balancing injuries with play, but is confident his priorities lie in the right place.

“It’s not that I don’t like rugby,” explained the Waikato star. “Rugby’s perfectly okay much of the time. But given a choice between running about and getting smashed for 80 minutes against South Africa or having everyone fuss over me, pass me the crutches and give me an x-box any day.”



France has unsurprisingly made a number of surprise selections for their Group A clash with the All Blacks this Saturday evening.

First-five Francois Trinh-Duc has been dropped and replaced by scrumhalf Morgan Parra having never started at 10 before in his career. Flanker Thierry Dusautoir returns as captain, hooker Dimitri Szarzewski plays his first match of the tournament, and Dimitri Yachvili comes in at halfback having previously started all his games as the water boy.

French coach Marc Lievremont was honest in his selection decisions.

“The secret to beat the Blacks is surprise. If we don’t know what we are doing, how on earth are they going to know what we are doing? This morning at our team selection raffle, we put all the names into a barrel and picked out players for positions. It worked a treat. The All Blacks won’t know what has hit them.”

The last time the selection raffle was used was the famous RWC 2007 Quarter Final victory against the All Blacks. On that day 13 of the team were playing out of position and even the team doctor ended up on the run on team.
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Australia has paid the price for spending 4 years perfecting their backline and neglecting their forward pack as Ireland totally dominated the Yellow Submarines to beat them 15-6 in their World Cup second round match.

Judas Deans, the Aussie wonder coach, must shoulder a fair weight of the blame as he selected a team consisting of 15 ball running players and forgot to choose anyone who can scrum, ruck or maul.

Over the 4 years he has been in charge he has developed one of the smoothest operating and best looking backlines in the world. While this strategy was fine in the ‘slap and tickle’ style of game involved in the Tri Nations, it has ultimately been exposed at the highest level.

Deans was disappointed following the game when he talked with Ozy Mandias Warning. “Forward pack? What is that? I have spent the last 4 years developing our backline I have never even heard anything about the need to develop a forward pack. Scrums and mauls… what are they??”


Rugby enigma Quade Cooper has been forced to explain his actions, following revelations that he posted a series of ‘Tweets’ during his side’s 15-6 loss to Ireland.

The game, which Judas Deans’ side had been expected to win quite comfortably, was fifteen minutes old when the first of Cooper’s tweets appeared on the Wallabies Twitter page. Cooper, or @quadecooper, as he is known in twitland, posted ‘Pretty pleased with that header’ in refernce to a botched catch which accidently hit the flyhalf on the head. He followed that up with ‘feeling in good form – twitfam’ and ‘geez these Irish blokes are not that bad,’ late in the game when the Irish led 9-6.

Prior to the game @quadecooper had tweeted – On the bus to the game “the wheels on the bus go round and round” hah you know yall wanna sing it too.

Fans responded to this but apparently many were then surprised to see Quade’s comments appearing on their news feeds after kick off. The tweeting continued for a further twenty minutes in the second half, before Cooper posted ‘Oh no. Ireland just got another penality. Better concentrate for a bit now guys.’

Response to the tweeting has been mixed with many in the media blaming the tweeting on Australia’s poor performance. However, Cooper has hit back at his critics, telling Ozy Mandias Warning, “A lot of our fans don’t come to games, because they live in Wagga Wagga, the Pitcan Islands or on the Internet, so I just wanted to let them know how things were going. I see no harm in that. I’m like an on field commentator”.

The revelation bears striking similarities to an incident in 2006, when Aussie rugby Play James O’Connor set his Facebook status to ‘how does my hair look’, during a game against the All Blacks.

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