Blog Archives

SOUTH AFRICA SHOW TROPHY WIFE: ALL BLACKS STICK WITH AVERAGE JANE


So the All Blacks suffer their first loss of the season against the referee inspired South African rugby team. If we can learn anything from this latest result it is the fact that South African rugby is your typical blond bimbo trophy wife. You know the ones I mean and you have certainly seen them paraded around on the arms of rich business men. Useless at domestic duties, rubbish at entertaining on a weekly basis, mono syllabic answers stunt any conversations, but every few years when the beauty pageant is on, boy is she a hottie.

In contrast the All Blacks seemed to have gone with their familiar wife choice for this year’s world Cup; the general all-rounder. On the looks stage she certainly holds her own and with a little make up is usually well above the average on Friday or Saturday nights. Every week she is cooking up a storm in the kitchen, running the house efficiently and boy is she an entertainer. She can converse with the best of them, play touch in the business house competition, has a well organised business on the side and she even joke with the boys if the situation arises. The all rounder wife certainly makes your life run smoothly from week to week.

But as we scan ahead to the Rugby World Cup the question must be asked; who would you rather be taking to the main event? The All Blacks will be working hard to ensure that the World Cup is more of a ‘Saturday night bbq and drinks’ to show off their wife. That relaxed, informal environment will be perfect for Mrs All Black.  In contrast the South Africans will be all pomp and ceremony as they bring their trophy wife to the grand pageant.
Read the rest of this entry

NO SEX UNTIL ALL BLACKS WIN WORLD CUP


The All Blacks have surprisingly come out against the latest Backing Black supporters campaign. Personally I am not surprised by this move as the new campaign asks true All Black fans to abstain from sex with their partners from now until the Rugby World Cup concludes. Apparently this enforced abstinence is a sign of true loyalty to the All Blacks. While I can think of other ways of showing loyalty (namely spending a fortune on tickets and jerseys) I cant see what the problem is with the new campaign.

You see any true all Black supporter like me has already put things in place for the 6 week tournament and believe me a little ‘horizontal dancing’ will be the last thing my wife and I will be thinking of.
My wife will be too busy in the kitchen providing me with the specific dietary needs I will need for the 6 week tournament. I have already set her alarm for a 6am start to get my high protein breakfast ready and then as we move throughout the day she will need to be on her toes, baking, boiling and frying the wide range of food needed to keep me going. Sex or anything romantic will be the last thing on my wife’s mind dear readers.

As a media campaign I think Backing Black have tried hard but have ultimately failed. Like a typical Wallabies back line move, the intention is there but the execution was lacking. I therefore put forth what i will be doing as a true All Black supporter. Rather than abstaining from now until the end of the Rugby World Cup I will abstain from now until the All Blacks win their next World Cup. Abstaining for a few weeks is okay but you know it will come to and rather quickly – it is like giving up chocolate at Lent. Joining me and my crusade is a step up and a sign of your true loyalty to the All Blacks. Some people get their thrill by putting a little wager on the game but I think my new plan takes watching the All Blacks to the next level. Believe me if I was nervous about the All Blacks ability to win the trophy those nerves have just gone through the roof. Just imagine how you would feel watching the World Cup final with the All Blacks down by 4 points with 10minutes to play. I couldn’t think of anything more exciting.
Read the rest of this entry

ALL BLACK UNVEIL NEW SHIRT


The All Blacks will unveil their 2011 shirt later this year in their first Tri Nations test of the season. However, senior All Blacks have spent the day trying on a number of prototypes outfits that Adidas are considering adopting in their latest creation.

The news on the Ozymandias Warning rumour vine is that this is going to be one of the most revolutionary rugby jerseys ever created as the All Blacks look to win the Webb Ellis Trophy for the first time since 1987.

All of the pointers at this stage look to the All Blacks going to a one piece outfit which apparently give athletes 15% extra power, 30% more sweat coverage and most importantly 56% more female bicep appeal. Both Ritchie McCaw and Sonny Bill Williams tried on the outfits earlier today and were excited by both the look and feel. Sonny Bill even commented

“It felt fantastic. Not since my Bulldogs days have I been in one of these babies and Adidas have done a fantastic job. I cant wait to jump around with room mate Nonu on our next overseas trip.”

In a bold move Adidas have gone against hundreds of years of tradition and ditched the Silver Fern and instead have gone with a silver spider design. This is apparently a twofold measure. Firstly, due to the cost, Adidas can apparently source this material at an incredible cheap price and with the Rugby World Cup finances already in disarray the NZRFU are looking for cost cutting measure everywhere. Secondly, and most importantly, Australians are afraid of spiders and considering they will be our greatest foe in the RWC. With these outfits we will have Quade Cooper and Rocky Elsom running for their pest control during the first half of the World Cup final.

WORST ALL BLACK HAKA EVER!!!


This has to go down as the worst ever All black haka. It looks as if no one knows the words and I love the way they are all looking at each other for the actions.


Read the rest of this entry

McCAW COMES CLEAN ON 'PINKIE' INJURY


The All Black media liaison officers have been working over time this week and have opened the 2011 year with the following media release.

All Black captain Richie McCaw has a foot injury and will miss up to six weeks of the Super 15 rugby season. McCaw has sustained a stress fracture in his right foot. He developed pain in his foot by doing a yo-yo running test at Rugby Park in Christchurch on Monday last week.

The above media release is journo speak that is used to cover the truth. Thankfully the team here at Ozy Mandias Warning are trained in decoding these words. In reality all that has happened is that Ritchie McCaw injured his ‘pinkie’ toe through excessive pumping of his right foot while flying his glider. He will miss a couple of weeks of the Super 15.

Fortunately he was in a good mood today and gladly posed for a photo today at the Cake Tin.

GRAHAM HENRY TO DO DANCING WITH THE STARS


The NZRFU have just announced that All Black coach Graham Henry is going to be taking part in the TVNZ show Dancing with the Stars later this year. Graham Henry has taken a lot of public criticism about the decision, especially considering he has a groin strain which many people believe will be aggravated through aggressive dancing.  With so many people questioning his loyalty to the All Blacks in World Cup year, Graham Henry talked with Radio Sport host Tony Veitch earlier today to explain his position.

“I think a lot of people are jumping to conclusions. The main thing was me doing DWTS wouldn’t have been any less time spent on the sidelines or if I didn’t do dancing. That’s what everyone needs to understand,” he told Radio Sport’s Tony Veitch.

“When I’m in the ring on the dance floor I can’t even feel it (his weak groin). I take all precautions with dancing, especially my signature dance, the Tango. People have jumped to conclusions saying I broke my leg groin and I’m doing dancing but that’s hardly the case.

“I’m sure the New Zealand Rugby Union wouldn’t allow me to do it if it was going to jeopardise my rugby.”

Henry says he has been consulting with All Blacks doctor Deb Robinson throughout his dancing training.

“She’s fine with everything and how everything is going. The plan was for me to get back and to be able to go straight into full training but I think it’s taken a couple of extra weeks longer than was thought. It’s just normal with these kind of injuries but it’s really a big concern,” he said.

“I talked with all of them (All Blacks staff and players) at the end of last game. The day after I went and got a scan and found out about the results. Straight away we had a big talk and we all came to the conclusion that it was not going to be a problem.”

Henry has the possibility of another dance before the World Cup in September, if he feels it would be beneficial.

SONNY BILL WILLIAMS – 'I could win the World Cup with a broken leg'


Sonny Bill Williams has come out and defended his boxing match this Saturday saying that he could make the All Blacks even with a broken leg. While most current All Blacks are training madly, playing in England or working hard for the upcoming season, Sonny Bill Williams has decided to forgo any rugby development and do a little boxing on the side.

Sonny Bill Williams is so sure that his World Cup bed in Auckland has already been made, he sees no reason why he should even spend time playing rugby or learning any more of the finer points missing from his game. It seems that the SBW show thinks that any deficiencies in his game can be compensated by having a ripping six pack and guns any man would die for.

This latest move by williams has caused outrage amongst the New Zealand public and mixed reactions in the media. For many people, Ozy Mandias included, Sonny Bill Williams seems to be taking the mickey out of New Zealand rugby in such a crucial year. Like a cheating romeo he talks an excellent game, constantly going on about about wanting nothing more than to win the World Cup with the All Blacks. Yet while words are only minutes passed his lips, he is off flirting with every other sport known to man or organising another boxing match. you can’t have your cake and eat it too, SBW.

Whatever happens in this situation the most obvious things here is that Sonny Bill Williams will lose respect as a person. Even if he is part of a World Cup winning team he has shown the Bulldog fans his cards and is now showing the All Blacks his cards. While his intentions may be fine, and his attitude fully focused on the All Blacks, perception is reality. Sadly the perception that Williams is creating is one of ‘stuff you I will do what I want.’

GREAT ALL BLACK TRIES


Rubbish song but great tries.

DOUG HOWLETT ARRESTED AGAIN FOR ALCOHOL SHENANIGANS


Former All Blacks rugby winger Doug Howlett was arrested by Irish police on suspicion of being drunk and disorderly at his Christmas party night out with his Munster team-mates.

After becoming a world wide star on this site after my first attempt at romance writing, it seems that the former All Black is having a little trouble with his drinking.

Howlett was arrested outside a Kilkenny pub in the early hours of Tuesday morning, the Irish Independent reported. He had been on a night out with team-mates celebrating when police were called at around 1.40am.

Here is his take on the situation…. sorry this was actually his 2007 apology, we will have to wait a week for the 2010 on,e but he might as well send this out as he ticks all the boxes as far as sports people apologizing for stupid behaviour, although he doesn’t cry. He must be on first name basis with the Boys in Blue over in the UK.

[hana-code-insert name=’adsense’ /]

SUPER 15 JERSEYS RELEASED


Today the new Super 15 jerseys were unveiled for the New Zealand teams and the public is in for a real show this year. Unlike the last 10 years where the jerseys all looked the same except for a dash of colour here and there, this year the designers have gone far and wide to really capture each franchise. While the jersey’s wont go on sale to the general public until next week, Ozy Mandias Warning was at the photo shoot today and managed to get some shots of the gear. For a less detailed insight into this year’s jersey visit – Iamjonnyking

Auckland Blues Super 15 Jersey

THE BLUES

First up we have the Blues 2011 Super 15 outfit. Modeled by Ali Williams, the $300,000 a year rugby player who hasn’t had a full game in 2 years, this outfit just screams Auckland. Made with extra stretch Lycra, it is all about the bling. Tassels on the side will make for a spectacle when running at speed while the gloves are perfect for all those Auckland poofs when the weather gets a little cold.

Williams was excited about the new outfit, although was a little concerned that tighter look might not be a hit with some of the more modest ‘island’ boys in the team. Williams seems to enjoy this aspect of the outfit though.

Chiefs Super 15 Jersey

THE CHIEFS

Next up we have the Chiefs Jersey. To say that this was a major muck up is an understatement. At this stage the NZRFU are unsure who to blame but Chiefs coach Ian Foster is sure that he sent an email saying ‘chiefs’, while Addidas are sure it read ‘chef’. Whoever has the real story is now lost in history, but for 2011 the Chiefs will be chefs and wearing and all white number complete with hat and plate of food.

All Black Mills Miliaina was on hand to model this year’s outfit and he was excited about the new look.”Obviously it is a little different to what we have had in the past but it fits well and the best thing is we get our post match meal delivered before the game.”

Hurricanes Super 15 Jersey

THE HURRICANES

Probably the shirt with the most hidden meaning came in the form of the Hurricanes  team. Their shirt was designed by a renowned designer whose inspiration came from New Zealand Post’s failure to deliver an important parcel.  So for the team that has failed to deliver in almost every Super Competition what better then to dress them up as a New Zealand Postie, complete with wet weather gear and a bike. Obviously the wet weather gear is needed as the climate in Wellington rivals Antarctica, but the bike is something that could be a bit problematic, especially at scrum time.

Peri Weepu was on hand today to model this outfit and and was excited about the new look, particularly the high viability vest that comes as a training outfit. “What a great look, the trouble is with the bike I get no company car this year so I will be biking to and from games.”

Crusaders Super 15 Jersey

THE CRUSADERS

Despite trying to lose their affiliation with sheep this year the crusaders have gone a number that glorifies the humble sheep. Their woolly outfit this year will be an assist on the cold Canterbury evenings and with the added bonus of hand warmers and a helmet this will be one warm little number. The wool is taken from a pure Canterbury ram and has been hand stitched using the finest cotton from China

Superstars Dan Carter and Sonny Bill Williams were the selected players to try on the gear and to say they were unimpressed was an understatement. Sonny Bill was extremely distraught, “How can I show off my guns and tattoos in this outfit. In my contract it says that 90% of my time in front of the camera must be done with my shirt off.”

Highlanders Super 15 Jersey

THE HIGHLANDERS

Finally we have the Highlanders shirt. Over the last 5 years this team has been nothing short of rubbish. No amount of recycling and waste management systems have been able to turn around this outfit. In a fitting mix between on field activities and off field incompetency this year the Highlanders will be dressed as a rubbish bin. Made of the finest recycled plastic this bin comes with a nice little helmet and even a clean sack stitched into the garment for added comfort. Jimmy Cowen took time off from his annual December  drink court case appointment to model this years new Highlanders outfit. He had no comment on the outfit but his face said enough.