Blog Archives

BROWNLIE DROPPED FOR 2nd TEST


Black Caps newcomer Dean Brownlie has been dropped for the second test against Australia in Hobart next week. The middle order batsman was superb against Australia scoring 77 not out in the first innings and 42 in the second. However, due to a failure to follow team instructions Brownlie will be absent from the team in the next game.

At this stage the exact reasons for his non selection are hard pin down but it is believed his ability to be patient at the crease, leave wide deliveries and move his feet were the main reasons given.
Black Caps captain Ross Taylor was forthright in his assessment of the middle order batsman.
“It is frustrating when as a team we work on a game plan and we have players who obviously want to bat to a different tune. Pre match we talked about chasing wide deliveries, going hard at the ball and being reckless with our wickets and apart from Brownlie we followed that nicely.”

Coach John Wright was equally as disappointed highlighting Brownlies short partnership with Ryder as the moment he decided to leave the batsman out of the next game.
“Brownlie obviously had an affect on Ryder. As the partnership continued he became less wreckless and more watchful. We cant have Ryder exposed to this kind of sensible batting.”

BLACK CAPS BEAT BRENDAN TAYLOR


The Black Caps have opened their summer by winning the ‘world’s most boring test match’ with a thrilling 34 run victory over Brendan Taylor.

Left a mammoth 365 for victory, the tally was too much for Brendan Taylor to do all on his own he fell 34 runs short. At one stage it look as if Brendan would achieve the target but as usually he was unable to do everything all on his own.

Black Caps captain Ross Taylor was over the moon with his team win, although he was disappointed with his teams execution in the final innings. ” For some reason we decided to get everyone out except Brendan and when you are playing a one man band like Brendan Taylor you have to target him.”

In other news Zimbabwe Cricket have acknowledge that they have applied to the ICC to change their name to the Brendan Taylor Foundation, in recognition that he does everything for their team. Apparently they have spent time talking with Daniel Vettori as inspiration when he run everything in New Zealand Cricket for a 3 year period.
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VETTORI NEW BLACK CAPS CAPTAIN


A third candidate for captaincy of the New Zealand cricket team may have emerged and his name is familiar – Daniel Vettori. This comes after a rather physical meeting with New Zealand Cricket chief executive Justin Vaughan who perfromed his famous suplex manouver on the current Black Caps captain.

With the two front runners, Ross Taylor and Brendan McCullum both looking on, Vaughan put on his one piece lyrca and attempted to twist Vetorri’s bowling arm into the next century. The move may have had the desried affect with rumours that Vetorri is considering a come back.

Many people thought Vaughan had decided to delay the naming of the new captain until the All Blacks are knocked out of the World Cup to avoid any difficult questions. However, the reality is that this extra time allows him to twist Vettori’s arm even further when they rematch next week.

The reality is that the two other candidates haven’t really put their best foot forward. McCullum hasn’t decided if he is a opening batter, wicketkeeper, lower order smasher or tattoo parlor advert, so one must question his ability to place a fielder at point or cover point without him changing his mind every 30 seconds. In the other corner Ross Taylor had a good World Cup but the fact that he only thinks there is a leg side when he is batting, one must question his ability to set an off side field.

Sadly this kind of logic leaves Vettori as the Black caps captain for the 52 years until he becoems s blind that he takes up umpiring.
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JOHN WRIGHT'S MASTER PLAN FOR THE BLACK CAPS


John Wright has finally shown his coaching skills by purposefully guiding the Black Caps to a sensational 100 run demolition job of Pakistan. Having looked at his resources when he took over the team it is believed he deliberately continued this poor form in a bid to develop overconfidence amongst the opposition. It certainly worked in this last game.

A number of Black caps players have been so faithful to this ‘game plan’ that they had followed Wrighty’s lead and preformed so poorly, even they didn’t know where a good performance could come from. And boy did this coaching technique work.

After McCullum got a good nut early, Jamie How came in and played like a man who has never played cricket before. In the past I would have slammed his inability to play anything off the square but now I can actually see that this is all part of Wright’s master plan. Jamie How was instrumental in giving the Pakistan team confidence as his strike rate start at 10 and went down hill from there. His 3 runs off about 90 balls gave the Pakistan team so much confidence they gave the completely out of form Ross Taylor two early lives, as they actually started to feel sorry for us.

But then with a flick of the switch, things turned on their head. Taylor snapped out of his prodding and pushing with a well executed drop kick over midwicket and then it was all over red rover. Pakistan were taken to the cleaners as the Black Caps produced a sublime display. Martin Guptil was superb as he played straight and forcefully for a well complied half century while Jacob Oram showed how dangerous this team could be with him coming in at nine and make our batting order longer than a giant python.

John Wright was full of praise for the efforts of How, who plays an important role in Wright’s strategy. “I thought How was superb today. It is not easy to scratch your way to a strike rate of 4.726 while hitting the middle of the bat with every ball. But he managed to do that today and that was the foundation for our victory. This gave Pakistan all the confidence they needed today once they had made a little coin on the side through strange overthrows, no-balls and poor fielding we were always on top. Bennett had been doing this role for us in previous games, but How took it to a new level today.”
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KEN RING PREDICTS BLACK CAPS WORLD CUP RESULTS


New Zealand Cricket has employed the services of prediction guru Ken Ring to predict the Black Caps next cricket match against Zimbabwe. New Zealand CEO Justin Vaughan hired the services of the weather guru in an attempt to see how his troops will fair at the up coming World Cup.

Using a complicated formula of measuring the position of Saturn and Mars in relation to the Moon, Ring has been able to predict every Black Caps batting collapse and poor bowling performance dating back to World War II.

Ozy Mandias has managed to obtain a couple of paragraphs of his report to New Zealand Cricket through the official information act.

“We think the Black Caps batting collapses have a timeline. It started 7 years ago, has begun to slow down and should cease altogether  after April 2014. By March of this year, where we are now, the batting collapse frequency should be moving back to its normal  pattern of about 1 per calendar year.

The current pattern of unusually high number batting collapses that occurred this summer was due to the alignment of the Moon, Saturn and Mars. This event happened on the 30th Dec when we were rolled for 80 against Pakistan in the 20/20.  The following month, on 9th Jan, new moon in perigee developed just before 3am. This resulted in  the collapse of the test series with New Zealand rolled and diced for 110.”

Pleasingly the next phase for the alignment of the Moon, Mars and Saturn shows that the tide may have turned for the Black Caps.  According to Ring the chances of a batting collapse from now on in the Cricket World Cup are low although he can’t rule out something strange happening on the 18th when the Black Caps play Sri Lanka. This is exciting news for the black Caps as they build towards the business end of the tournament.

So in conclusion Ring is predicting Black caps victories against Zimbabwe, Pakistan, Canada and a close one against Sri Lanka. From then on even the mighty Ken Ring and his weather chart are even flying in the dark.

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HAMISH BENNETS NEW CONFECTIONERY – BOWLING ALLSORTS


New Zealand Cricket has endorsed Black Caps bowler Hamish Bennett in his bid to open a sideline confectionery business. His confectionery will be known as ‘Bennett’s Bowling Allsorts’, and will be based loosely around his bowling style. Buyers of the confectionery won’t know what they are getting until they put their hand into the bag and pull out something. The idea, just like his bowling, is that what comes out of the hand will be a total surprise to everyone.

Bennett said that the inspiration for the ‘bowling allsorts’ came from watching himself bowl in the recent World Cup clash against Australia. “We were watching and analysing our bowling after the match and it came around to looking at my bowling. I thought I was just watching a highlights package and when Wrighty commented on my bowling resembling a 50 cent mixture I had the confectionery brain wave.” Bennet has said that the interest in his new product has been excellent, with even Aussie fast bowler Mitchel Johnson asking to buy 40% of the business.

This is not the first time that New Zealand Cricket has attempted to make money on the side. Last year they introduced ‘no run’ pantyhose, which has been extremely popular with the female market. Rumours that other Black Caps are thinking of going into the confectionery market have not been confirmed, however, insiders believe that Jacob Oram was thinking about opening a ‘jaffa’ styled lolly. However, it is believed he has had trouble producing one for the last three seasons.
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STRYIS INJURY CASUES TWITTER CHAOS IN BLACK CAPS


Black Caps batsman Scott Styris has assured his thousands of followers on Twitter that his hand is okay and he will resume tweeting as soon as he returns to his hotel. Styris was struck on the hand by speed demon Shaun Tait during the Black Caps latest cricketing humiliation and suffered a suspected broken index finger. This is Styris’ main tweeting finger, although he has been practising using his elbow as a back up if he ever lost his hand.   

Black Caps management were initially concerned that their top tweeter might be out for the tournament and this would be a real blow to the team moving forward. Styris had been in splendid Tweeting form over the previous 3 months, averaging 17 meaningless tweets to fellow and former Black Caps each day. In fact over the last 2 months he had clocked up an amazing 1534 tweets at a strike rate of 87, which in tweeting terms is sensational.
Fellow big time tweeters Guptil, Tuffey and Ryder were both upset following today’s events and must be wondering who they can tweet over the next couple of weeks if Styris’ injury causes him to be out of action. Rumours that John Wright may be joining twitter to help cover for Styris have not been confirmed.
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KENYA LOOK ON BRIGHT SIDE – WE WON THE TOSS


Despite losing heavily to the rampant Black Caps earlier today the Kenyan cricket team is looking at the positives from their 10 wicket hammering.

Speaking to their coach, Eldine Baptiste, after the game he was surprisingly upbeat after the loss. Rather than focus on the fact his team can’t bat, bowl or field, he wanted to comment on what his team had done well. 

“Firstly, I was wrapped that we won the toss. That was just a brilliant start for us. The way that coin came down heads, just as our skipper predicted, was superb. This is an area of the game we have been working on and to hit it on the head in the first game was a real positive. My hope is that we can continue this form going into the next game but this time make the right decision when we win the toss and bowl. At least then we will still be technically in the game after 3 hours.”

In contrast to this, the Black Caps were slightly disappointed in their first up display and it is believed some selfish play by some of the senior members in the side may have caused a rift within the dressing room. With Tim Southee on a hat trick, Jacob Oram selfishly took the final wicket of the match to deny the ‘baby faced wonder boy’ a chance at a rare World Cup Hat-trick. Speaking after the game Tim Southee was distraught and attempted to square off with the 9ft tall giant. Fortunately Scott Styris wasn’t needed in the batting department, so acted like a movable GAZZA strip to keep the two bowlers apart.
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BLACK CAPS REJECT KENYANS 5000m RACE


The Black Caps have rejected a request from the Kenyan Federation for Cricket ( KFC for short) to have a 5000m running relay race instead of the scheduled One Day Cricket International on Sunday evening. The Kenyans, who have a strong background in running, apparently believe their best chance of victory comes on the running track and not the cricket pitch in this important World Cup game. They KFC had envisaged a ten man relay race with each competitor running 500m and then tagging their partner.

Insiders say that some of the Black caps were actually keen to race the Kenyans and tackle them at their point of strength. In particular running whippets Martin Guptil and Ross Taylor were both keen to take on the Kenyans on a steeplechase course. However, sanity prevailed, when it was realised that the Black Caps would have to wear the same lycra outfits that Mark Richardson made famous a few years back.

TIM SOUTHEE ANNOUNCED AS CUDDLE CLASS AMBASSADOR


Air New Zealand has announced Tim Southee has been appointed the new ambassador for their new cuddle class seating arrangement. The position has become affective immediately following the young bowlers recent long haul flight from Auckland to India where he used the new seating arrangement to it full potential.

 lotAt this stage Air New Zealand is unsure what the role will involve but insiders believe that a of the time will be spent testing the seats on long haul flights with complete strangers.  What impressed Air New Zealand his ability to mix with a wide variety of clients in such a confined space. Cuddle class has been in affect in most Air New Zealand flight for 6 months but this is the first advertising push by New Zealand’s major airline.

Tim Southee is obviously excited by this announcement and this becomes his first product endorsement in what is believed to be a very lucrative career outside of cricket. Following on from the Air New Zealand announcement companies such as Brylcreem and All Clear Spot Remover are chasing the signature of the fresh faced New Zealand cricketer. Apparently Gillette are also looking at signing Southee in five years time when he goes through puberty and starts shaving.