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AUSSIE CRICKET TO SELECT TEST TEAM VIA TEXT MESSAGE


Cricket Australia has confirmed the selection for players in the upcoming boxing Day test match will done via public online text messaging. Following the success of selecting David ‘the Basher’ Warner as the Man of the Match in the last test match against New Zealand, Cricket Australia has extended the service to selecting teams.

Apparently the online voting will begin in the next couple of days and fans will have until the 19th December to log their vote. Some experts have announced their displeasure at the new move saying this new system could open Cricket Australia up to some interesting team dynamics. At this stage early polls would have to agree with this trend as most Australian cricket followers believe Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse would be better openers than the current pair.

Australian batsman Ricky Ponting seemed pleased about the new system when he spoke with Ozy Mandias Warning earlier today.
‘Personally I am wrapped with this new system. I already have the number preprogrammed into my phone and once the lines are open I will be texting faster than a teenage girl just to get more votes for me. I think it is an excellent move by Cricket Australia, after all we decide our government by election so why should we do the same with our cricket team. “

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Muralitharan hits 20cent piece from 22yards


Hot on the heals of every other sporting person doing trick shots. Here comes Muralitharan v Swann. Hardly a great match up.


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JOHN KEY ALMOST SECURES FREE TRADE DEAL WITH INDIA


John Key has continued his tour of India as he attempts to press his case for a free trade deal between the India and New Zealand cricket teams. Key had spent the last few days sightseeing around India and will today meet Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh soon for bilateral talks.

Talking exclusively to Ozy Mandias Warning, John Key said that  he would press the case for a free trade agreement, but New Zealand would not sign up to any agreement which was not quality. He indicated that any deal must include one opening batsman, a middle order batsman and one quick left arm bowler, at the very minimum.

Although there were different views between the two countries on issues such as the use of power plays and the role of the local TAB, he said coming to a solution was not unmanageable.

Ultimately however, it is believed that Key has more chance of getting through his trip without getting the ‘Dehli Belly’ than bringing any quality players back to New Zealand.

The problem arises from New Zealand’s exports in the cricketing market. While India has plenty of quality exports many Indians feel that the quality of New Zealand exports has dropped over the last few years. This was highlighted, early in the Key’s tour, when he offered the services of Tim Southee as part of the free trade deal. Unfortunately the gulf between the two nations was highlighted when India came back with by offering 4 manky cows, and a 12 year old left arm swing bowl from the Dehli slums, as their trade for one of our better bowlers.

VETTORI NEW BLACK CAPS CAPTAIN


A third candidate for captaincy of the New Zealand cricket team may have emerged and his name is familiar – Daniel Vettori. This comes after a rather physical meeting with New Zealand Cricket chief executive Justin Vaughan who perfromed his famous suplex manouver on the current Black Caps captain.

With the two front runners, Ross Taylor and Brendan McCullum both looking on, Vaughan put on his one piece lyrca and attempted to twist Vetorri’s bowling arm into the next century. The move may have had the desried affect with rumours that Vetorri is considering a come back.

Many people thought Vaughan had decided to delay the naming of the new captain until the All Blacks are knocked out of the World Cup to avoid any difficult questions. However, the reality is that this extra time allows him to twist Vettori’s arm even further when they rematch next week.

The reality is that the two other candidates haven’t really put their best foot forward. McCullum hasn’t decided if he is a opening batter, wicketkeeper, lower order smasher or tattoo parlor advert, so one must question his ability to place a fielder at point or cover point without him changing his mind every 30 seconds. In the other corner Ross Taylor had a good World Cup but the fact that he only thinks there is a leg side when he is batting, one must question his ability to set an off side field.

Sadly this kind of logic leaves Vettori as the Black caps captain for the 52 years until he becoems s blind that he takes up umpiring.
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ORAM – THE BFG TURNS INTO GOLIATH


Jacob Oram, New Zealand’s answer to the big friendly giant, has cast aside his friendly demeanor and gone all nasty against South Africa, helping the Black Caps record a stunning quarter final victory. South Africa went into the match roaring favourites with a batting line up as long as the great wall of China and bowling resources as long as Oram’s inner thigh. But depth counts for little in tournament play, as any All Black fan will tell you, and this was the case as the Black Caps outplayed the fancied Proteas in all aspects of the game.

Superb batting from Ryder and Taylor steady the Black caps ship after a difficult start. This proved to be the foundation for the lower order as Williamson and co gave New Zealand glimmer of hope with a total of 221. In the bowling department it was Oram to the fore as he sneered four wickets and a superb running boundary catch to almost single handedly beat the South Africans.

Oram has been affectionately known as the BFG in cricketing circles due to his recent inability to dictate terms to the opposition. He is a monster of a man, who posses all the tricks in the bag but he has constantly been sidelined by injury and misfortune. However, since returning from injury his form has returned has shown that he wants to get rid of the friendly BFG facade. Thankfully for New Zealand the BFG is gone and we now have a Goliath in our ranks.
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HAMISH BENNETS NEW CONFECTIONERY – BOWLING ALLSORTS


New Zealand Cricket has endorsed Black Caps bowler Hamish Bennett in his bid to open a sideline confectionery business. His confectionery will be known as ‘Bennett’s Bowling Allsorts’, and will be based loosely around his bowling style. Buyers of the confectionery won’t know what they are getting until they put their hand into the bag and pull out something. The idea, just like his bowling, is that what comes out of the hand will be a total surprise to everyone.

Bennett said that the inspiration for the ‘bowling allsorts’ came from watching himself bowl in the recent World Cup clash against Australia. “We were watching and analysing our bowling after the match and it came around to looking at my bowling. I thought I was just watching a highlights package and when Wrighty commented on my bowling resembling a 50 cent mixture I had the confectionery brain wave.” Bennet has said that the interest in his new product has been excellent, with even Aussie fast bowler Mitchel Johnson asking to buy 40% of the business.

This is not the first time that New Zealand Cricket has attempted to make money on the side. Last year they introduced ‘no run’ pantyhose, which has been extremely popular with the female market. Rumours that other Black Caps are thinking of going into the confectionery market have not been confirmed, however, insiders believe that Jacob Oram was thinking about opening a ‘jaffa’ styled lolly. However, it is believed he has had trouble producing one for the last three seasons.
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PONTING TOLD HE IS A LOSER – WORLD AGREES


Ricky Ponting has been given a strong message on behalf on all humanity from Indian opening bowler Shantha Sreesanth. After beating Ponting with a magnificent short ball outside off stump, Sreesanth went up for a massive appeal which was turned down, then theatrically stood face to face with Ponting at the batting crease.

Words were exchanged, the crowd made a lot of appreciative noises, and Sreesanth walked away making an “L” sign with his thumb and forefinger, as if to signify he thought Ponting was a “Loser”.

“There’s very few games go by that Sreesanth doesn’t have something to say to a few of us. That’s just the way it goes,” Ponting said.

Sreesanth is keen on a Bollywood acting career.

“I was national break dance champion when I was in the eighth grade,” he says.

“I don’t really get time to dance now. I gave up dance for cricket.

“I am a huge Michael Jackson fan and keep listening to his songs on my iPod.

“I have been offered Bollywood roles. But I’ll never leave cricket, until and unless cricket leaves me.”
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TIM SOUTHEE ANNOUNCED AS CUDDLE CLASS AMBASSADOR


Air New Zealand has announced Tim Southee has been appointed the new ambassador for their new cuddle class seating arrangement. The position has become affective immediately following the young bowlers recent long haul flight from Auckland to India where he used the new seating arrangement to it full potential.

 lotAt this stage Air New Zealand is unsure what the role will involve but insiders believe that a of the time will be spent testing the seats on long haul flights with complete strangers.  What impressed Air New Zealand his ability to mix with a wide variety of clients in such a confined space. Cuddle class has been in affect in most Air New Zealand flight for 6 months but this is the first advertising push by New Zealand’s major airline.

Tim Southee is obviously excited by this announcement and this becomes his first product endorsement in what is believed to be a very lucrative career outside of cricket. Following on from the Air New Zealand announcement companies such as Brylcreem and All Clear Spot Remover are chasing the signature of the fresh faced New Zealand cricketer. Apparently Gillette are also looking at signing Southee in five years time when he goes through puberty and starts shaving.

JACOB ORAM TO STAR IN NEW MOVIE


Jacob Oram is set to star in a new Hollywood movie later this year. The movie has been titled ‘Déjà vu’, but as yet the story line has been a closely guarded secret. However, insiders say the movie will be about the injury hit New Zealand cricket team. Oram fought off stiff competition for the main part from Shane Bond, Daniel Vettori and Black Cap newbee Hamish Bennett.

Jacob Oram hit with injury again.

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JOHN WRIGHT AND MARK GREATBATCH MOVE IN TOGETHER


New Zealand cricket selector and Black Caps coach John Wright have announced they are moving in together and are setting up a home in Auckland. The two have been inseparable over the last few weeks, but despite this, the news of the developing relationship has come as a shock to many.

Insiders say that the relationship began with Mark Greatbatch offering team selecting advice to Wright and things quickly progressed from there. Within a couple of days Greatbatch was the number one selector and spent his entire time tell Wrighty what team would be playing and the batting and bowling orders. From that point on it was all down hill for the usually independent Wright.

Insiders have said that Wright attempted to pull away from the developing relationship but nothing Wright tried seem to work. Nowadays every decision is made by Greatbatch, included Wright’s clothing, daily food intake and even what TV shows he should be watching.

Last week the two were seen at a restaurant where Greatbatch decided what Wright was to eat and then shocked onlookers when he actually finished off some of John Wrights meal. At this stage the two seem very much inseparable and it will be interesting to see how the relationship develops over the coming months, particularly when Wright travels to India and Greatbatch is left home alone. Many people believe this will be the make or break of the relationship, so we will keep you posted here at Ozy Mandias Warning.
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