Blog Archives

IRD EXCITED CARTER HAS RE-SIGNED WITH AB'S


John Key and the IRD has welcomed the news that Daniel Carter has penned a 4 year deal with the NZRFU. In a rare joint statement issued by Mr Key and the IRD department, they expressed joy at the All Black great resigning.

“Obviously the IRD and government is over joyed at the news Carter has resigned. With the new budget being put forward today the expected tax bill from Carter over the next few years will be a real bonus to the New Zealand economy.”


With the value of Carter’s contract well into the millions it means that his weekly tax bill will be one of the highest in the country and could help pull New Zealand out of the recession. It is hard to see how one man could pull New Zealand out of the economic downturn we are now in but here at Ozy Mandias Warning we think that if anyone could do it it would be Dan Carter. Talking exclusively to our website Carter was downplaying his role in turning around the New Zealand economy.

At this stage John Key was unsure where the money from Carter would be pushed but indicated that giving himself a pay rise, a new set of ministerial BMW’s would most likely be the best use of the money.
Read the rest of this entry

DAN CARTER ENGAGED


Dan Carter showing why he is the World's 3rd sexist man

Using his facebook account as a giant billboard, All Blacks super star and Jockey model Dan Carter announced his engagement to his long-term girlfriend and former Black Sticks striker Honor Dillon. Talking after the announcement Carter said that the couple haven’t made any wedding plans yet, apart from contacting New Idea, Woman’s Day and Hello Magazine sand see who will pay the most for exclusive pictures of the day.

News of this magnitude has caused waves around the world. Seldom does such a minor decision have such wide ranging consequences.

– Sonny Bill Williams has now contacted his agent to ask the New Zealand Rugby Union to double his wages as he now becomes the All Blacks most eligible bachelor.

– Jockey Underwear has swapped Dan to the ‘Y’ front section now that he has become a married man. Honor has been relegated to the flannel dressing gown section.

– Graham Henry has a minor heart flutter when rumours that Dan Carter’s wedding day might be the same day as next years Rugby World Cup semi final.

– Robbie Deans has contact the Australian Natural History Museum to determine if Honor Dillion has any long lost Australian ancestors. If there is a link this could enable Dan Carter to play for Australia in next years rugby World Cup, through Immigration Rule 12.4b.

– New Idea and Woman’s Weekly shares fell sharply this afternoon when editors now faced the prospect of no ‘Dan Carter photo montages’ in upcoming issues.

– The New Zealand TAB have offered odds of $1.78 that Dan Carter will remain in E! magazine’s Top 5 sexist male sporting stars.Currently Dan is ranked number three, but of the top ten only one is married.

Finally using technology from Auckland University scientist have predicted what Dan Carter will look like after one year of marriage. It is a well known fact that marriage causes body parts to sag and drop, while ‘six packs’ and ‘guns’ suddenly disappear. Below is a detailed reconstruction showing what Carter looks like now and what he will look like in 12 months following his marriage.

Dan Carter after one year of marriage

The detailed reconstruction of what Dan Carter will look like after he is married.

ALL BLACKS USE 'GET OUT OF JAIL' CARD


Richie McCaw has defended his use of his team’s ‘Get out of Jail’ card to claim victory against South Africa in Soweto over the weekend. The card was used with perfect timing as the ALL BLACKS trailed by 8 points with 15 minutes to go. Looking down and out, captain fantastic issued the card to referee Owen and from there the game was ALL BLACK.

The South African Captain John Smit had only one answer to the McCaw move. Having just passed “Go’ and with a fresh $200 in his bank account Smit banked on rolling double 6’s and landing on the elusive ‘Drop Goal Drive’ in the final 40 seconds. Drop Goal Drive is an elusive property in the game of Rugby Monopoly. South Africans prize this property; the All Blacks shun it, while in the 1980’s the English team built their entire game plan on mortgaging this rather dowdy piece of land. But yesterday the dice failed to fall for the Springboks and instead of the double 6’s, pressure from McCaw, Kaino and Smith forced them to roll the dreaded ‘miss a turn’.

The ALL BLACK machine capitalised on this error with Ma’a Nonu spotting an area of the board South Africa had failed to build any hotels on. Like a human cannonball he was off. Catapulting into the free space and then with a flick off his wrists he rolled his dice and set Dagg off to claim Mayfair, Parkland, the Tri Nations with a perfectly 7 pointer in the corner. YOU LITTLE BEAUTY!!

Many TV pundits have questioned if McCaw should have used his card now or have saved it for next year’s World Cup. But McCaw quickly reminded those present at the after match press conference that New Zealand will be granted two of these cards next year as they are the home team at the World Cup. Like France in 2007 we hope they put them to good use.

In other news from the game, rumours that Dan Carter picked up the ‘Second Prize in a Beauty Contest’ card have been dismissed by both the referee and the ladies magazine, Teen 16. Rachel Retsoc, the Teen 16 Editor, was quick to squash rumours that Israel Dagg is the new pin up boy of the ALL BLACK Team. Talking after the game, Retsoc, as forthright as she is beautiful, was still crazy about Undie Man Dan. “Dan didn’t have his best game but when it mattered he showed he is still the rose in the ALL BLACK bouquet. Dan is still number one with our readers and if a beauty contest of the ALL BLACKS was held tomorrow, Dan is still the man” she blushed.