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ENGLAND CRICKET TEAM ADOPT HAKA – VIDEO


Kevin Peitersen does the English team hakaThe England cricket team now have their very own victory dance. The dance involves holding one arm out and imitating the movements of a garden sprinkler. According to England captain Andrew Strauss the dance is England’s version of the haka and was introduced to the squad by all-rounder Paul Collingwood. See the video which has gone viral below.

Strauss was happy about the dance but most excited that Collingwood has finally contributed on the tour.
“He has been as good as an ashtray on a motorbike for us this tour. Basically not a run or a wicket to his name in the 4 tests, so it is nice that he can contribute in this way. This will definitely help with his selection chances in the next test.”

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PONTING CALLS ALL AUSTRALIANS TO TRY RAIN DANCE


Ricky Ponting talks to media as he calls all Australians to join in his teams rain dance.

For the first time in his career Ricky Ponting called his team together to perform a rain dance in a bid to avoid defeat in a cricket match. The call was made by captain Ponting after Clark was dismissed in the final over of day four, effectively ending Australia’s hope of batting out for a draw on the final day of the 2nd Ashes Test. With the pitch turning square, and Australia’s fragile middle order now exposed, Ponting had no option but to call the team together for an impromtu rain dance at the close of play.

Speaking exclusively to Ozy Mandias Warning Ponting seemed upbeat about the chance of the dance working.

“Obviously, over the last year as our team form has slipped we have looked into the use of the rain dance as an effective game plan to avoid defeat. Simon Katich has done a lot of work looking into the different types of dances and their relative effec

tiveness. He even spent a little time with the Black Caps looking into the plans they have developed for their rain dances. Obviously we are little behind the Black Caps who initiate this thing in almost every test match, but we have made some good progress over the last few weeks.”

When questioned into what dance they had employed and the finer details Ponting was very tight lipped. However, Ozy Mandias Warning has managed to capture exclusive picture of Ponting dressed as an Indian leading the team in an intricate dance routine.

GRAHAM SWANN – HITS CENTURY IN ASHES OPENER


Graham Swann, the English off spinner, is excited by his early Ashes form after get spanked for a century in the first innings of the first test. The off spinner had arrived in the country as the world’s leading spin bowler, according to the British Press, and within 4 overs he had shown he will be cannon fodder for the Aussie batsmen this summer. Speaking exclusively after the match he was surprisingly upbeat about his performance, seeming to think he actually played well.

“Obviously to start the Ashes with a century is exciting stuff. I have dreamed of getting a century in an Ashes game and to do it in the opening game really sets me up for the series. You want to play your best, against the best and I think I did that today.”

When reminded that his job was actually to take wickets Swann had no comment and ended the interview.

ASHES WRECKED BY CHANNEL 9


The much anticipated Ashes series between bitter cricketing rivals Australia and England is one day old and already I have had enough. Yes, already I have had to turn down the volume so that my ears are not burned by that hideous sound, known as the Channel 9 Commentary Team.

This group of 9 men does more harm to cricket than good, yet every season we welcome them back like a bad smell. A recent KRG Poll found that last summer and estimated 3.4 million people around the globe were put off cricket due to these 9 self promoting poofters.

As part of my research for this post I cam across some guidelines for becoming a Channel 9 Cricket Commentator and thoughts they were good enough to pass on. Thanks World Cricket Watch.

TOP SECRET, EYES ONLY: Guidelines for Channel 9 cricket commentary team

Commentary style – Your role is not to provide impartial commentary on the cricket but to act as cheerleaders for the Australian cricket team. Therefore, please refer to the players by their affectionate nicknames such as Punter, Dougie and Pup, and on no account criticise any of the team, so Hauritz is a worthy successor to Warne and not a crap off-spinner who would struggle in grade cricket.

Don’t talk about the cricket – The cricket is actually incidental to your main role as cheerleaders (see above), advertisers (see Sponsors) and to spout nonsense (see Individual Styles).

Richie Benaud – Richie is the only commentator who is allowed to provide any sort of insight into what is happening on the field. Therefore, please avoid providing any insightful comments at all.

Sponsors – Please promote these at any opportunity especially KFC, Gatorade and the Cricket Travel Agency. The sponsors are far more important than the cricket – please remember that. So if there is a wicket, don’t talk about what happened, just focus on the player wearing the Gatorade heart monitor.

Bill Lawry – Bill is your barometer, if you plunge to the depths of his commentary ‘ability’ then you will be sacked. Please humour his constant references to the crowd “lovin’ it” and his generalisations about any opponent Australia is playing.

Replays – This is the only time you talk about the action. Your role is to talk through fifteen replays of each incident always promoting the power of television.

The Opposition – Don’t talk about Australia’s opponents unless you are criticising and/or making generalisations (preferably borderline racist) about them. If the opponents are on top you must always talk about how the Aussies are going to turn it around. On no account praise the opposition.

Individual Styles – Each of you should also follow these individual styles in addition to the above:

Ian Chappell – Please only talk about how much better things were in the 70s when you were captain i.e. be yourself.

Tony Grieg – In everything you say you must hark back to WSC and continually promote the use of technology. Ultimately, your arm is that television controls everything – the toss, bowling changes, field positions, shot selection, even the weather etc.

Mark Nicholas – As the token Pom you must live up to all the Australian generalisations of your motherland i.e. be pompous, spout utter crap and be ever so creepy.

Ian Healy – You are the joker of the pack except on no account are you allowed to be funny. Your special role with regards to the sponsors is to always talk about how much you love KFC you fat b***ard.

Tubby Taylor – You must laugh at Healy’s jokes no matter how bad they are and always link them back to your playing days. Apart from that please say nothing.

Michael Slater – Your role is to relay the inane conversations you have had with Ponting, Hussey and other members of the Aussie side before play during the action in a sickeningly gushing way. It is even better if you speak about these chats at completely inappropriate times during the day’s play.

Richie Benaud – Don’t forget to take your Sanatogen and please always use 50 words when only 10 would be necessary.

Bill Lawry – Your mission is to be the worst commentator in cricket history and to get worse every day and every match. Please keep talking about the crowd at all times. Even if the Aussies run a single you say ‘the crowd are lovin’ it”.

ALl Blacks v England – Live Blogging


England1.Andrew Sheridan, 2.Steve Thompson, 3.Dan Cole, 4.Courtney Lawes, 5.Tom Palmer, 6.Tom Croft, 7.Lewis Moody, 8.Nick Easter, 9.Ben Youngs, 10.Toby Flood, 11.Mark Cueto, 12.Shontayne Hape, 13.Mike Tindall, 14.Chris Ashton, 15.Ben Foden.
Reserves: 16.Dylan Hartley, 17.David Wilson, 18.David Attwood, 19.Hendrie Fourie, 20.Danny Care, 21.Charlie Hodgson, 22.Delon Armitage.

New Zealand 1.Tony Woodcock, 2.Keven Mealamu, 3.Owen Franks, 4.Brad Thorn, 5.Samuel Whitelock, 6.Jerome Kaino, 7.Richie McCaw (captain), 8.Kieran Read, 9.Alby Mathewson, 10.Daniel Carter, 11.Hosea Gear, 12.Ma’a Nonu, 13.Sonny Bill Williams, 14.Josevata Rokocoko, 15.Mils Muliaina.
Reserves: 16.Hikawera Elliot, 17.Ben Franks, 18.Anthony Boric, 19.Liam Messam, 20.Andy Ellis, 21.Stephen Donald, 22.Isaia Toeava.

http://gsnap.com/snaplet/main.swf?server=http://gsnap.com&id=1616

LIVE BLOGGING – KIWIS v ENGLAND RUGBY LEAGUE


Welcome to live blogging of the Rugby League International between the Kiwis and England.

Join us for in depth coverage of this clash.

http://gsnap.com/snaplet/main.swf?server=http://gsnap.com&id=1576

England Robbed in South Africa


England's disallowed goal

The talk prior to the FIFA WORLD CUP had been about South African security at the World Cup. South Africa is a crime ridden country and many people had expressed their concerns of crime on the streets and in the alleys. Already a TVNZ crew has had some audiovisual gear stolen from their hotel and now in the England soccer team has been robbed in broad daylight. The robbery actually happened right on the field of play where the 3 Lions were denied an obvious goal in their important game against Germany.

While nobody has been charge with the offense, many people have finger pointed the referee J Larrionda from Uraguay. From what I know about Uragauy this wouldn’t surprise me!! CCTV footage has shown that his accomplices were two linesmen whose identities have been kept quiet by FIFA

Fortunately due to technology the we have managed to find this picture of the robbery in progress. What do you think??