A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter
was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the
Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said,
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife
quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’ Hadn’t gone a half- mile when the mule
stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket
and shot the mule dead. I started to yell at her for her treatment of the
mule when she looked at me and quietly said ‘That’s once.”
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his student might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know, I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!” The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, “Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Good Lord, are you still in there?!”
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was going 70 in a 35, too.
Its the final round of the $64,000 question
and only 3 remaining contestants are left, an
Englishman, a Texan and an Arkansan. The question is,
finish the following song title and spell
the answer. ” Old Macdonald had a ____”. The
Englishman goes 1st and says “estate” “e-s-t-a-t-e”.
The announcer says sorry wrong answer, but right
spelling, meanwhile the Arkansan is going nuts he
is so excited he cannot control himself. The Texan
goes next and answers ” Ranch”, “r-a-n-c-h”.
The announcer says sorry wrong answer but right
spelling, and the Arkansan is jumping up and down
and he is so excited he almost screams. The
announcer turns to the Arkansan and says
“for $64,000 what is the answer”. The Arkansan answers
“farm” , “e-i-e-i-o”
“Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” ask The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute.
“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabe?”
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
“Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”
One day a man strolled in to the paint section of a hardware store and walked up to the assistant. “I’d like a pint of canary colored paint,” he says. “Sure” the clerk replies. “Mind if I ask what it’s for?” “My parakeet, “the man said. “See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so beautifully he is sure to win.” “Well, you can’t do that!” the assistant says. “The chemicals in the paint will surely kill the poor thing!” “No they won’t,” says the customer. “Listen, buddy, I’ll bet you twenty bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him.” “You’re on” said the customer. Two days later the man walks back in the store and very sheepishly lays $20 on the counter. “So the paint killed him?” asked the clerk. “Indirectly,” the man said. “He seemed to handle the paint okay, but I think the sanding between coats did him in.”
Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
“Honey, It’s me.”
“Are you at the club?”
“Great! I’m at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much.”
“Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! Before we hang up, something else…”
“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $650,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000, OK?”
“Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and asks aloud, “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told her husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonder
and says: “How is the singing career going?”
Stevie Wonder replies: “Not too bad! How’s the golf?”
Woods replies: “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing,
but I think I’ve got that right now.”
Stevie Wonder says: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I
need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the
next time I play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger Woods says: “You play golf?”
Stevie Wonder says: “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”
Woods says: “But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re
Wonder replies: “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the
fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play
the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy
moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the
ball towards his voice.”
“But, how do you putt?”, asks Woods. “Well,” says Stevie, “I get
my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his
head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”
Woods asks: “What’s your handicap?”
Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: “We’ve got to play a round
Wonder replies: “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only
play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”
Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would
you like to play?”
Stevie says, “Pick a night.”