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John Key has issued a strong warning to the All Blacks; sort your game out or I will be forced to take control of the team for the remainder of the tournament. The announcement, from the nation’s leader, was made at a press conference today where the government took control of ‘Part Central’ from the Auckland City Council.

Apparently Key was unhappy with the All Black’s opening effort against Tonga and he believes he can do a better job than coaching legend Graham Henry. In particular Key was thinking about bringing in ‘Rugby National Standards’ which would run along the same lines as the new standards his government has railroaded through the education system. The basic idea is that players would be informed through the media on Monday morning whether they were above, at, below or well below the standard we as a country believe the All Blacks should be at. Results would be in graph form to really show how good/useless people are and clear and simple language would be used.

Key has been clear from the outset that if things are not up to his standard then his government will step in and take control. Early on in the tournament Key was rumoured to be unhappy with the standard of the exotic caviar he was given with his free seat. Since then the catering company has been taken over by the government with Tauranga MP Simon Bridges now in charge of nibbles at all major functions.

When questioned earlier today by Ozy Mandias Warning Key was unrelenting in his conviction that his government will run things from now on. “Basically we as a government believe we can do a better job then everyone else. Despite the fact we have been relatively useless organising anything in our last 3 years in government we are still much better than most New Zealanders.”
Read the rest of this entry



After months of Anne Tolley explaining to teachers that there is no money for a pay rise in this economic climate we find out today that MP’s get a little gold nugget before Christmas. click here


PPTA PResident Kate Gainsford tries on her outfit that she hopes will engage John Key

PPTA President Kate Gainsford has been forced to dress as a Hobbit in order to get the attention of Prime Minister John Key. This revelation comes as frustration grows over the Governments inability to come to a workable resolution with New Zealand secondary school teachers.

John Key’s silence during this process has not gone unnoticed. Over the course of the past 3 months, as teachers have been negotiating their new employment conditions with the government, Key has been worryingly silent on the issue. Only offering a headline statement on the odd Tuesday afternoon, when photo opportunities at feel good sites like schools and old folks home have dried up.

This is a sharp contrast to his eager response to the Hobbit saga which is gripping this nation. A couple of small scale protests by 5 foot unemployed actors has been so influential that John Key has instigated talks himself in a bid to resolve the issue. One must wonder if John Key has shares in Hobbition such has been his energy and dedication to this pointless endeavor.(see last post)

As you could imagine this has come as a shock to Mrs Gainsford who has been battling tirelessly to further the education of New Zealand’s young minds. This morning she spoke candidly to Ozy Mandias Warning.

“Personally I am feed up with this government and if John Key will only negotiate with a 5 foot hairy unemployed actors, then that is what I will be. This week I have been growing my leg hair to acceptable Hobbit lengths and tomorrow before I visit Parliament I am actually going to get 3 inches on cat hair surgically implanted on my feet. Surely this has to work.”

In other news related to this topic, John Key has shifted the dates for next years budget, day light savings and the Rugby World Cup Final after it clashed with Hobbits filming.


this is the pocture John Key gave Peter Jackson in an effort to convince him that he was the next Hobbit

John Key has reiterated that there is no money available to the education sector. In an email intercepted by Ozy Mandias Warning John Key made this comment  “Why invest money in education for our tomorrow when we can all dress like 5 foot dwarfs and run around in bare feet today. Hobbiton is where New Zealand’s future lies.’

Continuing on from this theme John Key has come out urging the hobbits of New Zealand to unite together to save the only industry worth saving in New Zealand, the film industry. Key explained that if ‘Warner Brothers deems New Zealand is not a good place to make movies, then there is a real risk other major film production companies will also believe that to be the case.’

He went on to say that the Government would do anything to get Hobbit movies made in New Zealand. Millions of dollars worth of tax will be written off, millions of infrastructure dollars pushed to Wellington and even free brown clothing made available at discounted rates to keep this movie in New Zealand.

While it was pointed out to John Key that the number of decent movies ever made in New Zealand can be counted on your left foot he seemed unmoved in his support. Rumours that he has even asked Peter Jackson to be included as a hobbit, have been unfounded.

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National Standards – my view

While this blog is essentially about ICT within education, I may from time to time put my own voice onto the educational topics of the day. One such topic at the moment is National Standards. Something my school is attempting to navigate its way through at the moment. Below is an article that I wrote at the beginning of this year on my other blog – Ozy Mandias Warning. Have a read and feel free to comment.

 I am sure that the other day you received a personal letter from our Prime Minister, John Key. The letter was an introduction into the new National Standards which must be implemented in schools this year. Personally this was the first letter I have received from John Key and I was very excited and I have therefore sent a reply back to him about the new standards. For your interest I have included the letter below.

Dearest Mr John Key

Thanks for the heartfelt letter I received in the post the other day. As fate would have it happen it was also the same day that you announced that 30% of teachers were useless and not fit for teaching. Being a teacher of 7 years I wondered if you included me in this number. As I had taken off early and left work at 4:00pm I assume you probably did.

John, I am a supporter of National Standards as a principle. I believe if they are used correctly they would provide a good framework that could benefit students as they progress through primary school. I would even advocate a national test at Year 8 as I think this would benefit students. However, as they currently stand I am not a fan of the standards you are attempting to implement. To me they seem to be ill thought through, implemented quickly and without any vision for the future.

Firstly, Mr Key, I see very little difference in the National Standards to what many schools are currently doing for their assessment. If you look at the new requirements many schools are providing much more information to their communities through the current reporting system. However, if you look at the letter people received the other day you would think you have reinvented the wheel and are trying to trick everyone into believing it was your idea. I feel you are misleading the people of New Zealand.

An important fact which I believe many parents fail to understand is that there is no one assessment that is used to determine if a student is reaching the new National Standards. This means it is left up to teacher’s judgement to determine where kids sit on the levels. Perhaps we should look at the Year 7 Reading Standard as an example. The standard states that

By the end of year 7, students will read, respond to, and think critically about texts in order to meet the reading demands of the New Zealand Curriculum as they work towards level 4. Students will locate, evaluate, and synthesise information and ideas within and across a range of texts appropriate to this level as they generate and answer questions to meet specific learning purposes across the curriculum.

Compare this to the expectation that the National Standards have with Year 8.

The difference in the standard for year 8 is the students’ increased accuracy and speed in reading a variety of texts from across the curriculum, their level of control and independence in selecting strategies for using texts to support their learning, and the range of texts they engage with. In particular, by the end of year 8, students need to be confidently and deliberately choosing the most appropriate strategies for reading in different learning areas.

So how does a teacher work out the difference between someone working at the year 7 standard or the year 8 standard? Well according to the Ministry website

Teachers will use a range of assessments to make an overall teacher judgment to work out where each child is at, what their next learning steps are and to set goals.”

Basically as a teacher I have to use my professional judgment and rank students against the National Standards. Ironically this is what I am already doing against the achievement objectives within the curriculum. I will have to be able to justify my judgments, but, at the end of the day it is still a call based on opinion and not facts.

Do you really think that there is going to be a fair Standard across all of New Zealand if we leave it up to teachers to decide what level students are working at?

So your promotion that the National Standards will bring about greater information about where your child is working at is not true. Essentially we are doing the same thing as we have always done but you have sugar coated the outside just to keep people happy.

You also stated in your letter that as a teacher I am able to use plain language reports. This apparently means I can use straight forward language and I don’t have to ‘sugar coat’ my words or phrases. This is fantastic;

“Cody has had an awful start to the year. He is an obnoxious in class and has few friends. He seldom comes to school but when he does he does he has no lunch and is working well below the Year 3 standard for reading, writing, (except graffiti which he excels in) and Mathematics.”

This was actually my toned down version. My first draft I did a Honi Harawera and included some differentiated adjectives. Is this the kind of reporting you had in mind John? Plain language reporting in my view is just another laying of sugar you are coating on our education system. It might look good to the masses but it wont change much

I am also concerned about where the National Standards will go. There have been rumours that you will force schools to publicize their results or even use the results to identify under performing teachers. I do hope that you think very carefully before you go down this track. Our current system is far from perfect but implementing something similar to league tables, I believe, will have devastating effects on many schools, communities and teachers. It hasn’t worked overseas so what makes you think it would work here?

Mr Key I would like to finish with two final points. To me they are the most important and I hope you take them on board. Firstly, you seem to think that the National Standards will help students. I can tell you now, and I would happily put my house on it if you put your Hawaii beach house up, that New Zealand will have the same educational problems and be reaching the same educational standards in 10 years time. To me National Standards could be good in a few years time. Before that there are other strategies and policies that should be in place before these are attempted. I sometimes wonder if the people who make policy in New Zealand have been within an ants willy of a classroom, so strange are their ideas. Don have you spent extended time in a low decile school and seen the rubbish that many of those teacher have to put up with daily? Have you been to a small rural schools and seen the limited resources that they have to work with? A little time invested at all levels of education in New Zealand may surprise you with many of the good work being done and the REAL issues many have to deal with.  

Second up on my list of frustrations is your leadership and the leadership of your wing lady Anne Tolley. To me leadership is about imparting your vision onto the people you lead. It is about inspiring those who work around you to follow you. As a teacher who essentially follows your lead it would be nice to have some vision, guidance and honesty about where you are heading with New Zealand’s education system. Honest answer around league tables, funding and standards would be a nice beginning. I might not agree with your answers but at least I would have the opportunity to hear your vision and where you believe education is heading. It is from that point that I think robust debate and

Thanks for taking the time to listen to my ranting Mr Key. In reference to your comment about under performing teachers I have taken note and am about to do a little prep for my classes next week, on a Saturday.

Yours sincerely



Show Spelled [kee]


1. A theory or political system demonstrating rightwing philosophy in words but leftwing  philosophy in real life.

” Our CEO has showed a key approach to politics during his time in charge of this company “.

National more Labour than Labour

The new advert for the newly formed Nabour Party

Saatchi and Saatchi advertising company have concluded a 3 month advertising project for the New Zealand Labour Party and come up with the following slogan;

Vote Nabour!! National finishes what Labour Starts.

A Saatchi and Saatchi spokesman said they spent weeks looking at a variety of different options but in the end this was the only one that fitted the bill. We looked at perhaps focusing on the working class, unions and even our dire education and health systems. However, in the end we concluded that National and Labour are pretty much together in running the country so we joined them together and came up with Nabour.

Apparently Phil Goff went to the advertising gurus a couple of months back in an attempt to stop the rot in the polls. He had been so concerned with how things were going he felt this was his only option. However, it was a young boy on work experience from his local High School who managed to convince Mr Goff that things were okay.

“National are doing your job Mr Goff, you have nothing to worry about.”

And who are we to argue. National has ignored the voters and kept the ‘anti smacking law’ and now they have passed Helen Clark’s flagship ETS which effectively means we are paying tax for something that most of the major countries haven’t signed up for and most people don’t think exists.

Sources out of New York say that Helen Clark was unable to go to work today due being absolutely speechless following the news that the ETS has now become law in New Zealand. In a strange twist of fate Helen Clark was unable to utter a single word and had to stay in doors as she was unable to order a taxi in the busy city of New York. She has reportedly sent John Key a beer in thanks for passing her bill.

John Key on the other hand was full of vocal praise for the ETS and even turned on the heater in his Office in Parliament to show that there will be no effect on the power costs.  “Talk like that is rubbish” he shouted as he turned his heater onto full and pointed it towards the open window. This was actually the first time in the last 10 weeks that John Key had had a private minute in his office, so busy has he been passing vital laws that stop our prisoners smoking and reading Women’s Weekly magazines. PM Key took this opportunity to praise the latest law.

“No longer will prisoners be able to smoke in our prisons or waste their time reading trashy magazines with Jason Gunn on the cover. Prisoners don’t deserve this right.  We campaigned hard on this prior to coming into power and I am pleased with the result.”

Key finished the impromptu press conference slightly early and failed to answer any questions. A government official explained that Key needed to rush to the petrol station and fill up his BMW prior to the petrol prices going through the roof over the next few days.

John Key parties following All White's victory

John Key used his PM privileges today to watch the All Whites in their historic draw with Italy. The PM wore all white for the game but that was soon gone as the PM was caught up in the emotion and took his shirt off and chanted with the large group of New Zealand supporters. Rumours that some supporters had to hold the PM back from streaking following Smelts early strike have not been denied by the National Party.

Yes that is Chris Carter in the top right. He  used his vast number of airpoints to pay for the trip although and was not involved in any shenanigans. Spending the time watching all the men, including our PM, with their shirts off.

John key celebrates with the All White fans

John Key has had a Vasectomy

Earlier today the world was rocked when  John Key announced that he is effectively shooting blanks. Yes our commander and leader has been under the knife and had a vasectomy. John Key has had the big ‘V’. This rather personal news came out of a press conference earlier today when the subject of early childhood education was raised.

I have never blogged on vasectomies before so tonight I am moving into uncharted territory, but boy am I excited about the topic range.

Firstly, lets deal with the appropriateness of the statement made by Mr Key. I don’t think I will ever be able to look at John Key again without a large number of thoughts rushing through my head. In today’s age is it right for a national leader to announce to the world such personal details? I don’t think so. Sure we live in the information age and information like this is probably out there for all to find but I prefer a little discretion from our leaders. I thought Rodney Hide appearing on Dancing with the Stars was bad enough but that seems tame compared to this latest news. I couldn’t imagine the Queen coming forth and spilling such intimate information to the public, so Mr Key should take a similar line.

Perhaps though it is the public who are to blame for this situation. Maybe our politicians are scared of anything in the closet and this was a nice little way for John to cover his backside so to speak. Only a few weeks ago all MP’s had to declare any gifts that they had received over the last year. Don’t bother. I have checked the fine print and there was no vasectomy given to John Key in 2010. Unless of course he received it at the cut ( sorry about the pun) price of $499. Hopefully this doesn’t bring about a rash of sudden announcements from MP’s scared of anything hidden in their past life. The mind boggles with what announcements could come forward.

Secondly, the fact that he is shooting anything is the real concern for me. This man is charged with running the country and making sure that this great country runs smoothly for you and I. Now I don’t pay my taxes to have him romancing the night away with his wife. John should be working 25hours a day to run this country and anything with his wife should be done once he has left office. In my view this is a small price to pay for the role of Prime Minister of New Zealand and the reason why I haven’t run for office yet. I love my wife too much.

Thirdly, this will definitely have repercussions for John Key’s. Firstly, spare a thought for John at around 8pm when John arrives home. You can bet your bottom dollar when he arrives home tonight he is in trouble and the reception will be as icy as his post operation bath. Politically I can’t work out if it will be good or bad. Without doubt he will lose the Catholic vote, but may gain a few left wing swinging liberals. I am sure this latest news will also resonate with the white middle class of this country. If they see that there leader is willing to make a few personal cut backs during the recession that may win a few percentage points at the next election. Personally, I cant wait for few side remarks that will come from the debating chamber in the next few months. Already Phil Goff has got to work and penned this little ditty

There once was a man called Key

who went for a vasectomy

the whole world he did tell

hoping the story would sell,

instead we all laughed at his stupidity

So where does this leave us a country. Well lets be honest. When you woke this morning you probably didn’t expect to hear this kind of news. You may have thought the All Blacks would be debated, the All Whites discussed, but never in your wildest dreams did you think we  would be talking about the Prime Ministers privates.

Sadly this story will only grow. No doubt it won’t take long for idiots to add picture after picture of our leader. I will start.

It wont be long before John Key is using his name to sell items like these.

Forget John Key – he is now known as Super V


Government gift Register

The big news this week is that the government has released the Register of Pecuniary Interestsand boy does it make you think. For those of you that don’t know the Register of Pecuniary Interests is basically a list of all things personal that may land an MP in trouble later if they don’t let the world know. Therefore the list includes information about company involvement, financial interests, property they own, debtors, super schemes, overseas travel and also any gifts they may have received. In true Ozy Mandias fashion I would like to offer my point of view on this strange rule and offer a way forward into the future.

Firstly, we must question the need for such a list. Why should MP’s have to disclose all their personal information? I don’t feel the need to list publicly all of my information and in particular any gifts that I received over the last year. Now I realise that gifts only $500 need to go on the list and perhaps that is where things get hard for me. In the last year I received a number of gifts, but sadly none of them clicked over the $500 mark. My Christmas present last year from my wife was a tyre for my bike – value $69 from Torpedo 7. My birthday present was a book, that incidentally I had already bought, for $29 and some running shoes. But I suppose when we think about it, this list is an important net for our MP’s. Not that it helps as most of them in their time in our parliament managed to put there foot in their mouth once or twice.

Secondly, for my mind the list doesn’t give enough detail into the lives of our MP’s. Sure there is monetery information that could be useful, but for me it is rather limited. I would rather find out my MP. I want to know what makes them tick and what they really think…along with their bank balance. So I have listed below that things that should also be included in next years list.

– Super 14 team supported

– Religion

– IQ

– Hobbies

– Library fines / Speeding tickets

– Height / Weight / BMI / shoe size

Finally I personally see this list as a challenge to the Ozy Mandias Website. A quick glimpse through the list and you will see that Ozy Mandias is not mentioned. My aim is that in one year’s time, when we going through this process again, Ozy Mandias’ name will be on the Register of Pecuniary Interests 2011. To do this the equation is simple. I need to give a gift to an MP that has a value of more than $500. Now I don’t even spend $500 on my wife so this places me in a tricky situation. How can I justify spending that kind of money on Simon Bridges, John Key, Jerry Brownlee and not my wife? While this may be a problem to others I see this as a challenge.  Apart from actually giving the present I have to make it look like it has more than a $500 value. At this stage I will be honest and say I am still in the thinking and planning stage. Advice from my wide readership would be very helpful.