1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
2. ”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”
3. ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”
11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
15. There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?”
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
17. When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.
18. ”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”
22. Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”
24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”
25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
29. I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?”
30. I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!”
40. I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris”. He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
42. I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.
49. A seal walks into a club…
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it.
Thanks to Newslite
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter
was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the
Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said,
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife
quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’ Hadn’t gone a half- mile when the mule
stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket
and shot the mule dead. I started to yell at her for her treatment of the
mule when she looked at me and quietly said ‘That’s once.”
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his student might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know, I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!” The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, “Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Good Lord, are you still in there?!”
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was going 70 in a 35, too.
Its the final round of the $64,000 question
and only 3 remaining contestants are left, an
Englishman, a Texan and an Arkansan. The question is,
finish the following song title and spell
the answer. ” Old Macdonald had a ____”. The
Englishman goes 1st and says “estate” “e-s-t-a-t-e”.
The announcer says sorry wrong answer, but right
spelling, meanwhile the Arkansan is going nuts he
is so excited he cannot control himself. The Texan
goes next and answers ” Ranch”, “r-a-n-c-h”.
The announcer says sorry wrong answer but right
spelling, and the Arkansan is jumping up and down
and he is so excited he almost screams. The
announcer turns to the Arkansan and says
“for $64,000 what is the answer”. The Arkansan answers
“farm” , “e-i-e-i-o”
“Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” ask The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute.
“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabe?”
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
“Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”
One day a man strolled in to the paint section of a hardware store and walked up to the assistant. “I’d like a pint of canary colored paint,” he says. “Sure” the clerk replies. “Mind if I ask what it’s for?” “My parakeet, “the man said. “See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so beautifully he is sure to win.” “Well, you can’t do that!” the assistant says. “The chemicals in the paint will surely kill the poor thing!” “No they won’t,” says the customer. “Listen, buddy, I’ll bet you twenty bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him.” “You’re on” said the customer. Two days later the man walks back in the store and very sheepishly lays $20 on the counter. “So the paint killed him?” asked the clerk. “Indirectly,” the man said. “He seemed to handle the paint okay, but I think the sanding between coats did him in.”
Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
“Honey, It’s me.”
“Are you at the club?”
“Great! I’m at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much.”
“Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! Before we hang up, something else…”
“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $650,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000, OK?”
“Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and asks aloud, “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told her husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.