Blog Archives

JOHN KEY – STUFF EDUCATION, LETS INVEST IN HOBBITS


this is the pocture John Key gave Peter Jackson in an effort to convince him that he was the next Hobbit

John Key has reiterated that there is no money available to the education sector. In an email intercepted by Ozy Mandias Warning John Key made this comment  “Why invest money in education for our tomorrow when we can all dress like 5 foot dwarfs and run around in bare feet today. Hobbiton is where New Zealand’s future lies.’

Continuing on from this theme John Key has come out urging the hobbits of New Zealand to unite together to save the only industry worth saving in New Zealand, the film industry. Key explained that if ‘Warner Brothers deems New Zealand is not a good place to make movies, then there is a real risk other major film production companies will also believe that to be the case.’

He went on to say that the Government would do anything to get Hobbit movies made in New Zealand. Millions of dollars worth of tax will be written off, millions of infrastructure dollars pushed to Wellington and even free brown clothing made available at discounted rates to keep this movie in New Zealand.

While it was pointed out to John Key that the number of decent movies ever made in New Zealand can be counted on your left foot he seemed unmoved in his support. Rumours that he has even asked Peter Jackson to be included as a hobbit, have been unfounded.

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OZY DICTIONARY – A Key


Key

Show Spelled [kee]

–noun

1. A theory or political system demonstrating rightwing philosophy in words but leftwing  philosophy in real life.

” Our CEO has showed a key approach to politics during his time in charge of this company “.

New Aussie PM a Woman!!!!


Julia Gillard - The first Australian Woman PM with a toupee

So Australia has their first woman Prime Minister.  Julia Gillard was sworn in today after the Australian continent was left Rudderless following the departure of their previous leader. I am a little unsure as to how to take this news so lets examine the facts as they stand.

Firstly, the statistics show that Rudd had to go. Having inherited a country rich in sporting history he has taken it down the garden path and left them abandoned. Their rugby team has won only 6 full internationals last year including losses to Scotland and they have now lost 7 on the trot to the All Blacks. For heavens sake they even lost to England a few days ago. Added to this is their cricket team which used to be the foundation of their society but  is now a rubbish wasteland of over paid players and aging stars. They lost the 20/20 World Cup and are currently being comfortably beaten by England. Furthermore there soccer team has just been walloped in the recent World Cup. One would even wonder if a World Cup of Australian Rules was held if they could even win that.  With results like these someone had to pay and unfortunately it was the man at the top of the pile.

So what do we know of this Gillard. Firstly she is Welsh. Now I am not racist but there are certain characteristics that are common to various groups of people.Sometimes we can laugh at these. Fortunatly this is especially so with people from Wales. She will be a good singer, love sheep and most probably have the ability to drink most men under the table. This will be an important vote winning technique in most areas west of Sydney. However, it is in the sport area which the Aussie public will want results and I dont know if a Welsh person can deliver that. Bet you couldn’t name one famous Welsh sporting star….. Now if you guessed Jones that was just lucky as that is the only surname they are allowed. Generally  the Welsh live in their own sporting dream world. Take this quote from Welsh Rugby player Shane Williams in 2008 which I have taken from the All Blacks site.

Wales winger Shane Williams believes the gulf in quality between the northern and southern hemisphere is reducing every year. “I don’t think we’re a million miles away,” he said. “We’re narrowing the gap every year. “The Tri Nations sides are the best sides in the world without doubt, but we are progressing. The northern hemisphere is narrowing the gap.

Head in the clouds stuff when you consider that Wales have not scored a try against the All Blacks in their last 3 games.
Secondly, I have deep reservations for Australia under the leadership of a women. Now I don’t want get my large female fans off side but political leadership is essentially a male domain. I make this judgement on personal experience. I have lived in a country with two women Prime Ministers and the results were disastrous. New Zealand lost 3 Rugby World Cups under the leadership of women, not to mention the America’s Cup, 2 Rugby League World Cups and 2 Netball World Cups. Our tennis stocks have never been lower, our golf professionals are a joke and all of this has come about under the leadership of women Prime Ministers. I consider it more than a coincidence that the form of the  All Whites, the All Blacks and the our chess team ( black-mates, instead of check mates) have improved remarkably since John Key came into power.

Now usually I like seeing our friendly neighbours struggling and battling away. However, deep within my soul I do feel sorry for the Australian people. However, that feeling wont last long as we have some massive sporting events coming up later this year and with John Key as our Commander and and Julia Gilard steering the Rudderless Aussie boat I can see only one result in the upcoming tri nations, the Commonwealth Games and the 2011 Rugby World Cup. Kiwi victory.

http://www.youtube.com/v/7PE_vr0t3FA

Simon Bridges, Dr Do-Little and my wish for Winston Peters


Simon Bridges aka Dr Do-Little

It is a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I have just sat down to read the news via my computer screen and clicked on the SunLive webpage. There is no better way to spend a Sunday afternoon. What caught my attention was this brief description of a featured article.

Simon wants to ‘get tough’.

This sounded good. I like it when MP’s get angry, feisty and get the bit between their teeth. I my experience it is the first step on their path to making a difference in our community. I read some more and my appetite was further moistened.

Tauranga MP Simon Bridges is seeking multi-party support for his Private Member’s Bill that if passed into law would raise the More…

I clicked on the ‘More’ button with anticipation. What could the man I voted for be putting forward as his area of need for the Bay of Plenty. I had seen him almost weekly snap up photographic opportunities with old ladies or take part in pointless publicity stunts that nobody cares about. But this little snippet looked different. Bridges was actually going to do something useful in Parliament and through the simple act of me voting for him, I was a small but vital cog in this wheel. I was about to help the Bay of Plenty, and therefore, New Zealand become a better place.

My mind raced with possibilities. As my page loaded my mind gently probed what areas my representative may be about to touch with his magic wand.

–          Perhaps a law to raise the standards of driving in the Bay of Plenty.

–          Perhaps a law to raise the penalty for drinking driving.

–          Perhaps a law to raise the funding for our local schools.

–          Perhaps a law to raise the penalty for petty crime.

–          Perhaps a law to raise the penalty for graffiti.

–          Perhaps a law to raise the drinking age.

Suddenly my computer screen loaded and I was forced to hang my head in disappointment. What flashed up was a grotesque picture of Bridges hugging his dog. If that wasn’t enough to ruin my afternoon the following paragraph did that for me.

“Tauranga MP Simon Bridges is seeking multi-party support for his Private Member’s Bill that if passed into law would raise the maximum penalty from three to five years imprisonment for wilful ill-treatment of animals.”

I couldn’t believe it. Only a year into his job as our representative in Parliament, has turned Bridges into Dr Do-little. I wonder if he can talk to the animals too. With reluctance I skimmed the rest of the article. What followed was a collection of well written sentences about how we need to get tough on animal cruelty and the importance that it has in the community. I always wonder how important a law is if a MP needs to justify it to the community. Now I will be honest and admit I am not a real pet lover. Apart from looking after a guinea pig for two weeks, and my wife having a goldfish I have never owned a pet. However, even if I did want to waste my money like that, I would still be disappointed in our MP spending more time on looking into an animal rights bill than dealing with the issues we have in the Bay of Plenty.

Added to this I can’t recall Mr Bridges campaigning on the issue of animal welfare when he was trying to get into Parliament. Back then it was roads, tunnels, the economy and tourism as the main areas he was going to work on. There wasn’t a stray dog, a scarred cat or even a malnourished sheep mentioned back then. Oh how times have changed.

It is with great sadness that I am going to write this next sentence and I can’t even understand why I am going to do it but I will.

Could you have imagined Winston Peters putting forward a proposal like this? While I couldn’t stand that man and his grey rinse but at least he put forward ideas that benefitted the community for which he stood for. So Mr Bridges I do admire your love for our animals but when you represent me spend time working on laws that will actually benefit the wider community.

 

Honi and Hyde – Bonnie and Clyde


hone and clyde masterWikipedia Extract –

Honi Harawira (Maori Party) and Rodney Hyde (Act Party) were well known outlaws, robbers, and criminals who, working together as a gang travelled to every corner of the globe using tax payer’s money and using unnecessary language to convey personal opinions. The exploits of ‘Honnie and Hyde’, became legendary as both of them like to ride their ‘high horse’ on a number of political issues while actually taking part in the very aspects they attacked others for. The bible verse “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” from Matthew 7 is certainly one they should both read.

They captured the attention of the New Zealand press and its readership during what is sometimes referred to as the “Financial Crisis of 2009’ when they willing spent thousands of tax dollars on lavish trips around the globe.  Though known today for their failure to turn up to important meetings and describing ‘white New Zealanders’ as #%^%@#$, they both in fact preferred to rob people blind through the political system. Outside of political life Honnie had a particular love for Paris and the French language while Hyde was a well known as ballroom dancer and part time sea swimmer.

Pig Welfare Code – thanks Green Party


pigSo New Zealand has decided to put together a ‘Pig Welfare Code’. As expected it has been rushed through parliament and squeezed between the All Blacks end of season northern tour and Christmas. Thankfully the Green Party has picked up this sly work by the National Party and cried wolf!

I am indebted for the Greens on this issue. Here I thought they sat in Parliament, eating their tofu salads, comparing armpit hair while salivating over Michael Moore documentaries. Oh how wrong was I. Pigs play such an important part in our society that someone needs to stand up for them and be an advocate for their crispy hide. Ironically it is the Green Party, filled with vegetarians, that has the moral fibre to stand tall as a boar on heat and proclaim the rights of the humble pig.  This is especially important as we come into Christmas time, usually a very difficult time for pigs in this country and why many pigs go abroad to Israel to seek refuge. While I dont want to jump the gun I too have been thinking long and hard about our pink friends and was actually in the middle of drafting my own Pig Code of Conduct. I have included it below as I think many of you will agree with my ideas.

 Pig Welfare Code

Pigs have two eyes a nose and a mouth and therefore they have the same rights as humans. This means;

–          Pigs must be free to roam freely where ever they please. Farmers must make allowances for this by providing ramps on all exits.

–          Pigs can vote. Farmers will need to supply transport on polling days and a ‘reader’ for pigs that struggle academically.

–          Pigs can form a political party.

–          Pigs have a right to an education – Farmers will be assessed by the ERO in a three-year cycle to ensure the basic curriculum is being covered.

–          Pigs will be entitled to the DPB but will not have to pay tax, or show any inclination of getting off the DPB

–          Pigs are entitled to ACC but only if the injury occurs within the farm.

Every pig must have a minimum of 2 square metres of roaming space. Pigs may be locked up at night but must have access to either SKY TV or unlimited internet broadband.

Under section 59 of the Pigs Crimes Act it is illegal to correct a pig and therefore illegal to ‘smack a pig’. You wouldn’t hit your kids so you can’t hit a pig.

Pigs must be given the option of a gluten-free diet or a low GI diet. this is to curb the growing obesity rate among pigs, particularly younger ones.

Due to the high number of Maori Pigs the Treaty of Waitangi is the binding document when dealing with pigs. Therefore, pigs are free to roam on the foreshore, fish unopposed and take unlimited shellfish.

Pigs, due to coming from the even-toed ungulates family, are allowed to use their mobile phones while driving.

Pigs can be eaten for Christmas dinner but must be accompanied by apple sauce and must be cooked at a temperature greater than 180 degrees Celsius.

Crackling is forbidden as goes against the ‘sun-safe’ message many pigs are working hard to promote.

Pigs may not be described using the collective noun, swine. The words swine and flu must not be mentioned around a pig.

Pigs may not build their house out of straw or sticks. Over the years this has caused problems with leaky building syndrome. Many a big bad wolf has taken advantage of this shoddy workmanship.

Finally, in certain circumstances pigs are allowed to fly. Especially when people are wondering if the Green Party will doing anything useful in parliament over the next 10 years.

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