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CHANNEL NINE COMMENTATORS FIRST ASHES CASUALTIES


The Channel Nine commentary team are the first casualties following the Australian Ashes debacle. The English played the Aussies off the park in all cricketing facets including bowling, field and batting. However, the Channel Nine commentary team were also outplayed and many are picking a big shake up in the next few weeks before the One Day Internationals.

First on the chopping board has the be the Ian Healy and Michael Slater cheer leading duo. If you thought these guys were annoying when they played it is nothing to how they commentate. At no point in the entire series did they right off the Australians and even when they Ashes were lost they still thought that Australia could come back. It is believed they thought the series would continue until Australia hit the lead.

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ASHES TV


The Ashes Urn

With the Ashes coming to the end it is time to have a look at some of the classic TV ads that have been used to promote this fantastic sporting event. There are some real classics from earlier Ashes clashes and it seems that Warnie and Botham are the main two characters. There are six videos in all so watch them all.

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STEVE SMITH WINS AUSTRALIA’S WORST TECHNIQUE AWARD


"How will I know Warnie?" "Well Steve the first stage of puberty is when your shoulders get wider....still a way to go mate."

Steve Smith, the new Australian middle order gravedigger and part time leg spinner, has just been voted Australia’s least technically correct batsmen of the decade. Beating off strong challenges from Glen McGrath and Bruce Reid, Smith was bestowed with the honour at a recent black tie awards evening in Sydney.

Despite the close nature of the event, in the end the judges had no option but to give the award to Smith. They described his technique as “the perfect merging of an 1850’s grave digger and Luke Skywalker” and were astounded with some of the positions he was able to get his body into following contact with the ball.

Obviously the gravedigger comment comes in references to his defensive technique where he attempts to shovel the ball through the covers. In contrast to this his horizontal bat shots have a certain Star Wars element about them, particularly when he attempts these shots ‘using the force’ with his eyes closed.

The issue of Smith’s technique has even reached the dizzy heights of The Australian Cricket Board as most of them were astonished when they first saw him play. After phone calls to the Cricket Academy and the sacking of the head coach, it is believed that they have contacted New Zealand Cricket in an attempt to get some experienced advice on dealing with players who look like they have never picked up a bat before.

So far Steve Smith has not commented on the issue of his batting technique. At this stage it is believed he is preferring to concentrate on getting through puberty without losing his baby face.

SYDNEY CRICKET GROUND GOES HOT PINK


Glen that bandana looks shocking mate. Are you wearing pink underwear as well??

Glenn McGrath is disappointed that the SCG for the 5th and final Ashes test was not able to be painted pink. The former medium pace, off stump line and length bowler and rubbish batter, is the face of the yearly ‘PINK’ campaign at the SCG to highlight breast cancer. Despite the opening day of the test match looking more like the inside of a 6 year old girls bedroom, McGrath was still not happy that not every person was dressed in pink and supporting the day.

“It is a real shame that people can’t get behind this cause. Pink is the new black and I have manged to get the stumps pink, the ground pink and even the male toilets painted a light pink. It is not a lot to ask a few males to start wearing pink as well.”

Rumours that he has had words with legendary commentator Ritchie Benaud, who refuses to wear anything other than beige, have yet to be verified but over the years there has been a lot of controversy about the colour pink taking over the game. Last year McGrath was caught painting the red cricket balls pink and he is in deep negotiation with the ACB to change the baggy green to the baggy pink, especially for the Sydney Test. At this stage the ACB is not willing to go that far but have let a few of the Aussie batters paint the inside of their pads pink especially for the Sydney test.

ENGLAND CRICKET TEAM ADOPT HAKA – VIDEO


Kevin Peitersen does the English team hakaThe England cricket team now have their very own victory dance. The dance involves holding one arm out and imitating the movements of a garden sprinkler. According to England captain Andrew Strauss the dance is England’s version of the haka and was introduced to the squad by all-rounder Paul Collingwood. See the video which has gone viral below.

Strauss was happy about the dance but most excited that Collingwood has finally contributed on the tour.
“He has been as good as an ashtray on a motorbike for us this tour. Basically not a run or a wicket to his name in the 4 tests, so it is nice that he can contribute in this way. This will definitely help with his selection chances in the next test.”

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BARMY ARMY RUNNING OUT OF SONGS


The Barmy Army celebrate another Aussie wicket falling

The Barmy Army has revealed that it is in danger of running out of songs to sing at the upcoming 5th and final Test Match between England and Australia. Sources close to the group understand that due to the large amount of singing done in the victorious 4th game the group is in danger of having nothing to sing in future games.

Speaking to one Barmy Army member after the last Test he had this to say.

“Over the last 20 years when we tour Australia we only get about 2 or 3 days worth of good play from our team that we can warrant singing. We can therefore easily deliver our full repertoire. However, because this England team has been so rampant we have had to sing for all but 2 or 3 days. It has taken the toll on the Army and we have had to re sing a few of our more popular numbers.”

With such dominance,  the Army has had to ditch its ‘no repeat’ policy on many of its favourite songs which is the first time this has been done in the last 30 years of the Barmy Army supporting the English.

At this stage the Barmy Army is madly writing new songs in a bid to be ready for the final match of the tour. While the main writers are rather tight lipped on some of the new songs it is believed that the new ‘Strauss Anthem’, based on Queens Bohemian Rhapsody will be a massive hit. It is also believed that for the first time the Barmy Army will focus more on the opposition with songs such as Hey Hey Ricky’ and a drum and bass number entitle ‘Liz puts Warnie into a Hurley.”

PONTING VERBALLY ABUSES UMPIRE


Ricky telling another umpire the local rule about all apeals going in favour of the team in yellow.

Ricky Ponting has defended his behaviour in 4th Ashes Test after verbally arguing with the umpire following a decision that went against his team. The incident involved Kevin Pieterson who was given not out after the Australian team believed he had edged the ball behind. However, numerous video replays showed that there was no touch and the decision stood. Ponting was outraged and the verbal barage of both umpires landed the captian in front of the Match Referee. Ozy Mandias Warning  has managed to obtain a transcript of Ponting’s own defence.

“G’day Mate,

Before I go and have some of the amber fluid and a few shrimps on the barbie, I have to say that Pieterson hit the cover off the ball and didn’t walk. Siddle bowled a beauty and he just stood there like a dead lamp post. Crickey dick, that is just not cricket. Every player in my teams walks and I expect the same from the English.

However, my real problem was the fact that this umpire failed to understand the rules when we play in this vast wasteland. This game is being played in Australia and I am Ricky Ponting. So when I appeal I expect the wicket to be given. That is the way things have worked around here for the last 20 years. When the umpire failed to give their guy out I just reminded him of that point. I also mentioned that I knew where he lived and that I would kill his children if he didn’t give the next decision our way. I was just joking with that last bit though….I dont know where he lives.

Finally, I would like to apologise to the many children who may have been watching the TV earlier. What I did was stupid and for a player of my experience and ability I should have known better. In the future I will refrain from such behaviour and ensure that my attitude reflects someone in my position and with my ability. But that is enough about my batting…..Any other questions on how to verbally abuse an umpire?”

To here the audio from Test Match Sofa click below

SHANE WARNE’S BALL OF THE CENTURY


MCG PITCH HAS NOT BEEN RIGGED – PONTING SAYS


The new and improve MCG picth

Australia are denying rigging the MCG pitch in their favour a week out from the Boxing Day Test. Just 10 days ago the England team played Victoria which was described yesterday as ”sluggish in the extreme” and ”low, slow and turgid”. Perfect for the English spinners. But when the English team turned up today they found the MCG pitch looking like a farmers back lawn and a message from Picky Ronting.

“Good luck boys. Lets see how you guys go on another green top. Just getting you back for The Oval game last time around.”

Ronting was referring to the last Ashes Test at the Oval when England regained the Ashes. In that game the groundsman was so embarrassed with the dry and dodgy strip he presented that he gave a false name to avoid having to explain why his pitch was Sahara-like in a country noted for its rainfall. Australia lost that game.

AUSSIE BREAK ‘BUM TAPPING’ WORLD RECORD


Another wicket for Aussie - Slap me on the bum boys!

Australia has broken the world record for the most bum taps in a cricket game in the recent 3rd Ashes test. A mammoth 72 individual bum touches were recorded within a five over period as Australia wrapped up play with a day and a half to spare.

Australia’s customary ‘Bum Taps’ had become a thing of the past in the first 2 games as England found their form earlier. But with Aussie coming back into the contest, there were bottom taps coming from all areas. Players were running from all corners of the ground to ‘tap’ bowlers after overs. As the wickets started to tumble the frequency increased tenfold. Slap of the day came from Steve Smith who showed no signs of nerves for such a young man as he run from deep backward square to tap Siddle on the backside after one nondescript dot ball.

Ricky has been working hard on his bum tapping, aka the ‘RPBT’, and is believed to be the first player to bring it into cricket. His specific tap consists of between 1 and 3 taps or smacking actions to the posterior of one’s best mate. Ponting, who has sustained a broken little finger from being over exuberant when tapping Johnson on the bum, was obviously excited about the new world record when he spoke with Ozy Mandias.

“This is fantastic for the boys. It is a part of the game we have worked on really hard over this week and it was pleasing to see it come off today. Hopefully, moving forward we can carry this form in to the Boxing Day test.”

When questioned about any changes for the next game Ponting hinted that Ben Hilfenhaus and Ryan Harris could be in danger of missing out on the next game.

“Ben doesn’t like guys slapping his bum and this is the reason he only took one wicket in the last game. It is a confidence thing with Ben, but we cant have guys in our team unwilling to have guys pinch their bums. Ryan Harris is also in danger of missing out. Having secured 6 wickets in the final innings his bum is red raw from being poked, taped, pinched and groped. It looks at this stage he will miss the next Ashes Test., but we do have our medical staff working around the clock.”