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Australian Police are investigating the TV show Master Chef after complaints that the programme wont finish before 2015. The show is in its 20th week on our screen here in New Zealand but they have only just found the top 10 cooks. TV experts have dubbed the show ‘the never ending meal’ as day after day, week after week we are served up show after show of this Australian rubbish.

Experts closer to the show have revealed that a local scientist has proven that all known recipes will have been shown and tried before the show is scheduled to finish in late 2015. This has posed a large problem as it means the finale which involved a cook off between the remaining 2 contestants wont be able to be filmed as there is no available recipe. Rumours that Stephen Hawking is investigating and looking for another recipe from another time dimension have yet to be confirmed but this seems the only solution at this stage.

In more favourable news the show has been a real asset for the Australian Bureau for Illegal Immigrants. This government agency uses the TV show to show to illegal immigrants, many of whom arrive in ships along the northern coasts. The  show is shown to those arriving in Australian and without exception the stowaways are back on their boat paddling wildly back to Indonesia within minutes.


World Cup Ad

The first World Cup advert, and it is a ripper. Check out this full length Nike Ad. Reminds me of my football days.

I have lost control of my TV

watching TVI now know what it must be like being the Labour Party. For 9 years they held the power in New Zealand, now they have nothing. Instead of running the country they have to sit back and watch the powerful National Party do what they like with our society. Now my situation may not be as drastic and dire as the Labour Party but for 7 years I have had the run of the TV in our house. Sadly, like the Labour party losing power, I have had to give this power away and now just sit back and watch what ever the ladies in my house want.

The reason for this is simple. We now have a female boarding living with us in our house. While this might not sound like a huge move, it means that the balance of TV watching has been taken away from me. Within the Ozy Mandias house we run a democratic system which also covers what is watched on TV. Prior to the boarder arriving, the voting would be in my favour due to the fact I am a man’s vote, like an away goal in soccer, is worth slightly more than a woman’s. This would mean that once the kids were in bed I was in charge of what we were watching, usually sport.

However, the last two weeks have been a nightmare. Despite an aggressive political campaign I have been left short of votes every evening.  The result has been catastrophic. Last week I think every episode of Shortland Street, The Apprentice, Master-chef and Hannah Montana was pumped needlessly into our living room. I have protested as much as possible but ultimatley in a democratic society I have nothing to stand on.

I suppose that I shouldn’t think the world revolves around me and I should think of others. I did this the other day and while nobody was home I whispered to the TV and was shocked at the reply. I can without doubt say that our Sharp 29 inch box is just as frustrated as me. This guy used to have Billy Slater, Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney and Dan Carter on it’s screen every night. Sport flashing back and forth as he beamed everything live and up to date. He had the best view of live sport, but now all that has gone. Instead now he has corny chefs arguing over pathetic dishes and poorly made New Zealand reruns limping across his screen every evening.

Sadly, I am at a loss as to my next move. Under the democratic system I only have a few options. Getting a male boarder could be an option, but not really that realistic. I could do a Fiji and evoke a military coup, taking over the TV via force, however, the only gun I own is a toy one. I have thought of developing a coalition and bringing my two boys on board, however, like New Zealand First they have less sway than the Labour Party. Finally I could rearrange the Ozy Mandias Constitution and formally announce that democracy is out the door and that our household is now a monarchy with me as the King.

I Hate Dancing with the Stars

I have enjoyed life over the last few months. One of the reasons for this is that we have no TV. Yes, things were personally hard at the start following the big decision. The evenings seem to last forever but over time I have become used to enjoying TV less evenings.

One of the pleasing aspects has been that I have avoided watching rubbish TV shows. This was highlighted the other day when we stayed the night at the inlaws. They have a TV and I was initially excited about the prospect of seeing what I had missed. Sadly with that horrible show Dancing with the Stars on, I became aware I hadn’t missed much in the last few months. Dancing with the Stars’ is without doubt the most pointless show in all of New Zealand TV history. Thankfully it was the final of the series last night.

The dancing is shocking, the outfits look ridiculous, the judges are all gay and the presenters corny. Sadly that is just the tip of the iceberg to this Tianic disaster of a show. Lets think about what these people are asked to do. They must learn a new dance each week, sometime even two. So they train at something they are no good at just to avoid public embarrassment. They then perform the dance poorly. Jason Gunn googles over them saying how fantastic they look, how great they did and asking pointless questions with his Jim Carey styled grin. Then the judges come in and add there two cents worth. Usually they truthfully say the dance was useless and then the crowd, mostly consisting of females cougars, starts geering.

Would you ever do Dancing with the Stars? Not me. If anyone ever came to me and asked me to get up in front of a million people weekly, wearing fluro tights with sequins and then having to dance, I would very quickly say no. That kind of behave might appeal to some ex allblacks, former Olympians and a handful of rubbish shortland Street actors, but it does nothing for me.

Therefore questions must be asked about what goes through the mind of a wanna be ‘star’ before they accept to be part of such rubbish. They must either be drunk, incredibly desperate or the appearance fee must be huge. I expect the real clincher is the later.

Despite the above scenario being a sad reflection of the quality of our stars what is even sadder is the following that this show gets among the wider public. Why would people watch a show like that. Now if you are into dancing that is fine. What concerns me is that people who obviously can’t dance and don’t dance, start watching people who are equally as bad. It just doesn’t make sense. I would not sit down and watch a knitting show as I’m not into knitting.

Despite my lack of respect for the show I must admit there have been some classic moments. Paul Holmes was a classic with his Michael Jackson dance and who could forget Rodney Hide dropping his partner like a sack of potatoes. For those that have forgotten CLICK HERE for the video.

Like I have said I am glad the show is over. Sadly though next summer the womens mags will start thinking about the 2010 show and giving it more weighting than the approaching Commonwealth Games. Although when you think about it with most of the Commonwealth probably already do a show, so perhaps it could be the new sport. Who would you put together? Helen Clark and Michael Cullen could be the NZ team. Frank Bainimarama would no doubt turn up for a show with a fijian beauty. If it takes off at the Commonwealth Games then we could see Dancing with the Stars at the Olympic Games. If that was the case who could beat this pair??

full Dancing with the Stars Stats – for you ruth