ALL BLACKS USE 'GET OUT OF JAIL' CARD

Richie McCaw has defended his use of his team’s ‘Get out of Jail’ card to claim victory against South Africa in Soweto over the weekend. The card was used with perfect timing as the ALL BLACKS trailed by 8 points with 15 minutes to go. Looking down and out, captain fantastic issued the card to referee Owen and from there the game was ALL BLACK.

The South African Captain John Smit had only one answer to the McCaw move. Having just passed “Go’ and with a fresh $200 in his bank account Smit banked on rolling double 6’s and landing on the elusive ‘Drop Goal Drive’ in the final 40 seconds. Drop Goal Drive is an elusive property in the game of Rugby Monopoly. South Africans prize this property; the All Blacks shun it, while in the 1980’s the English team built their entire game plan on mortgaging this rather dowdy piece of land. But yesterday the dice failed to fall for the Springboks and instead of the double 6’s, pressure from McCaw, Kaino and Smith forced them to roll the dreaded ‘miss a turn’.

The ALL BLACK machine capitalised on this error with Ma’a Nonu spotting an area of the board South Africa had failed to build any hotels on. Like a human cannonball he was off. Catapulting into the free space and then with a flick off his wrists he rolled his dice and set Dagg off to claim Mayfair, Parkland, the Tri Nations with a perfectly 7 pointer in the corner. YOU LITTLE BEAUTY!!

Many TV pundits have questioned if McCaw should have used his card now or have saved it for next year’s World Cup. But McCaw quickly reminded those present at the after match press conference that New Zealand will be granted two of these cards next year as they are the home team at the World Cup. Like France in 2007 we hope they put them to good use.

In other news from the game, rumours that Dan Carter picked up the ‘Second Prize in a Beauty Contest’ card have been dismissed by both the referee and the ladies magazine, Teen 16. Rachel Retsoc, the Teen 16 Editor, was quick to squash rumours that Israel Dagg is the new pin up boy of the ALL BLACK Team. Talking after the game, Retsoc, as forthright as she is beautiful, was still crazy about Undie Man Dan. “Dan didn’t have his best game but when it mattered he showed he is still the rose in the ALL BLACK bouquet. Dan is still number one with our readers and if a beauty contest of the ALL BLACKS was held tomorrow, Dan is still the man” she blushed.

GONE IN 60 SECONDS

If you see one game of rugby this year you need to see ‘GONE IN 60 SECONDS’. A brutal, physical, fast game between arch rivals South Africa and the All Blacks

South Africa thought they had it won. But they forgot about McCaw, they forgot about Dagg and they forgot the damage the All blcaks can do in 60 seconds.

VUVUZELA'S TO BLAME

The South African rugby team has played down suggestions that their poor performance in the opening game of the 2010 Tri Nations was due to a lack of vuvuzelas in the crowd. However, reports coming from inside the camp were that many players found it hard to adjust the quiet nature of New Zealand and this affected their on field performance. 

With most of the team only arriving in the country five days before kick off they didn’t leave themselves a lot of time to audiotise to local conditions and this surely played into the All Blacks hands. Coming from South Africa were there is that constant buzzing 24 hours a day is a stark contrast to the calmness of New Zealand. It was clear that a number of players looked confused out on the field.

When asked after the game if the lack of an annoying buzzing noise was a problem for the team, Captain John Smit was reserved.

“Yes, the lack of a constant buzzing drone has been hard for the boys but it is no excuse. We have to learn to play in a variety of conditions and we didn’t adjust well today. Really only a couple of the older players have stood up this week and hopefully a few more can do more to help out the younger ones before the 2^nd Test in Wellington.”

Smit was obviously talking about Victor Matfield who during the week tried an innovative technique to overcome the lack of vuvuzela noise. Matfield bought out his 1980’s getto-blaster in the last training run and played ‘Vuvuzela’s Greatest Hits’ on repeat for the entire 2hour session in an effort to replicate conditions back home. This seemed to inspire the lads until the batteries ran low and instead of the sound of 10million buzzy bees the noise resembled a dying goat. In was seen as no surprise that once the noise changed the training session quickly lost its shape.

It is hard to say if the lack of vuvzela’s warrants a 20 point victory to the All Black. However, you can bet your bottom dollar that South Africa will be stronger next week in Wellington. They will have had time to get use to our conditions and rumours that a large group of South African supporters has arrived with 450 vuvuzelas has boosted the confidence in the South African camp.