SOUTH AFRICA SHOW TROPHY WIFE: ALL BLACKS STICK WITH AVERAGE JANE

So the All Blacks suffer their first loss of the season against the referee inspired South African rugby team. If we can learn anything from this latest result it is the fact that South African rugby is your typical blond bimbo trophy wife. You know the ones I mean and you have certainly seen them paraded around on the arms of rich business men. Useless at domestic duties, rubbish at entertaining on a weekly basis, mono syllabic answers stunt any conversations, but every few years when the beauty pageant is on, boy is she a hottie.

In contrast the All Blacks seemed to have gone with their familiar wife choice for this year’s world Cup; the general all-rounder. On the looks stage she certainly holds her own and with a little make up is usually well above the average on Friday or Saturday nights. Every week she is cooking up a storm in the kitchen, running the house efficiently and boy is she an entertainer. She can converse with the best of them, play touch in the business house competition, has a well organised business on the side and she even joke with the boys if the situation arises. The all rounder wife certainly makes your life run smoothly from week to week.

But as we scan ahead to the Rugby World Cup the question must be asked; who would you rather be taking to the main event? The All Blacks will be working hard to ensure that the World Cup is more of a ‘Saturday night bbq and drinks’ to show off their wife. That relaxed, informal environment will be perfect for Mrs All Black.  In contrast the South Africans will be all pomp and ceremony as they bring their trophy wife to the grand pageant.

CONCERN GROWS FOR MISSING QUADE COOPER

New Zealand Search and Rescue have announced they are still concerned for the whereabouts of Quade Cooper. The Australian fly half disappeared at Eden Park last night at around 7:35pm and has not been seen since. Cooper was last seen steering down the All Black haka but after that he seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth.

Cooper was spotted by some at various stages throughout the evening but at this stage these sightings have yet to be proven. The strongest lead so far was when Cooper was seen back peddling like a frighten wombat and then throwing a wild pass in his own in goal area. Details of this sighting are sketchy and have not been confirmed by New Zealand Search and Rescue.

New Zealand search and rescue co-ordinator, Iva Lostman, was optimistic following his team’s brief search of the ground following the full time whistle.

“We hope that Cooper will be found, however we cant rule out the fact that last night might be his last time he is seen at Eden Park. He is unfamiliar with this kind of environment and for us that was the most frustrating part. Going into a test environment like this without core survival skills such as the ability to kick and tackle is just asking for trouble. We see this time and again from the Australian Rugby Union. They need to realise putting people in these situations, against a rampant All Black team, without the necessary skills is just dangerous.”

All Black coach Graham Henry was also concerned with the missing Quade Cooper, even offering to abseil down the grandstand at Eden Park to see if the Australian was hiding in the guttering. Sources close to the All Black believe that Henry sees Australian Cooper and South African coach Pieter de Villiers as vital cogs in his team holding the Webb Ellis Trophy aloft in October. Looking at their records who would bet against Quade , I can’t tackle or kick Cooper and Peter, lets stick with the old fellas, de Villiers train wrecking their teams in the semi-finals of the Rugby World Cup.

AUSTRALIA WILL BE OFF THE PACE AT RWC 2011

After the Australian team were beaten for the first time earlier today by Samoa 32-22 I attempted to get on the Australian Rugby Union website to check out Dingo Deans woeful coaching record. Sadly I was greeted by this web page, which I think summed up the situation for Australian rugby.

Personally I hope this result gives the media a wakeup call as to the strength of this Australian outfit. Any momentum gained by the Reds in the Super 15 has just been destoryed and I hope people start asking strong questions about the depth of the Aussie team, their forward pack and their supposed stars. They are pretenders who have yet to actually put together a decent game, except for France last year.

People in New Zealand are talking about Aussie as the team to beat. However, I can’t actually see them getting into the final. To do that with the current RWC draw they will have to beat Ireland, Wales and either England or France to get to the final. Personally I think they will have a few injuries and fall over against England.

The greatest challenge to the All Blacks at the Rugby World Cup will come from South Africa and England. Two teams who can play knockout tournaments with a style that is very hard to beat.

What we learnt from the Super 15 final

Some things we learnt from the Super 15 final awith a few questions thrown in.

1. The bigger the game the more Quade Cooper goes missing.
2. Australia will be in prayer to have the free flowing Bryce Lawrence or Jonathan Kaplin refereeing their games at the World Cup.
3. Will Genia is the best halfback in the world. Would he have made that break if Ellis was still on?
4. You can fudge the scrum but a rugby team can’t do without a functioning lineout. Perhaps the AB’s should get rid of their scrum coach and employ a lineout coach.
5. Sometimes it is better it kick the ball out and have a defensive scrum on your 30m line than putting up a random midfield bomb….just ask Andy Ellis.
6. Matt Todd is the opposite of Rueben Thorne. Loved by the public yet rubbish on the field. Until he develops the ability to carry the ball, make yardage and not turn the ball over he shouldn’t make the All Blacks. He wouldn’t get a look in for the All Blacks if he played for the Chiefs. That scavenging, ball winning loose forward is a thing of the past.
7. When will we have referee who starts to penalise a weak scrum with a yellow card? Players can collapse scrums all day long in their defensive 22 but delay a ruck in the same part of the field and you get a yellow card. But I suppose if you do that Australia would have trouble all day long.
8. Dan Carter is getting back to his very best.
9. Do the All Blacks have enough firepower to open up a defensive come October?…Australia does.
10. Do Australia have a number 10 who can control the game?…… New Zealand does.

ALL BLACK UNVEIL NEW SHIRT

The All Blacks will unveil their 2011 shirt later this year in their first Tri Nations test of the season. However, senior All Blacks have spent the day trying on a number of prototypes outfits that Adidas are considering adopting in their latest creation.

The news on the Ozymandias Warning rumour vine is that this is going to be one of the most revolutionary rugby jerseys ever created as the All Blacks look to win the Webb Ellis Trophy for the first time since 1987.

All of the pointers at this stage look to the All Blacks going to a one piece outfit which apparently give athletes 15% extra power, 30% more sweat coverage and most importantly 56% more female bicep appeal. Both Ritchie McCaw and Sonny Bill Williams tried on the outfits earlier today and were excited by both the look and feel. Sonny Bill even commented

“It felt fantastic. Not since my Bulldogs days have I been in one of these babies and Adidas have done a fantastic job. I cant wait to jump around with room mate Nonu on our next overseas trip.”

In a bold move Adidas have gone against hundreds of years of tradition and ditched the Silver Fern and instead have gone with a silver spider design. This is apparently a twofold measure. Firstly, due to the cost, Adidas can apparently source this material at an incredible cheap price and with the Rugby World Cup finances already in disarray the NZRFU are looking for cost cutting measure everywhere. Secondly, and most importantly, Australians are afraid of spiders and considering they will be our greatest foe in the RWC. With these outfits we will have Quade Cooper and Rocky Elsom running for their pest control during the first half of the World Cup final.

IRD EXCITED CARTER HAS RE-SIGNED WITH AB'S

John Key and the IRD has welcomed the news that Daniel Carter has penned a 4 year deal with the NZRFU. In a rare joint statement issued by Mr Key and the IRD department, they expressed joy at the All Black great resigning.

“Obviously the IRD and government is over joyed at the news Carter has resigned. With the new budget being put forward today the expected tax bill from Carter over the next few years will be a real bonus to the New Zealand economy.”

With the value of Carter’s contract well into the millions it means that his weekly tax bill will be one of the highest in the country and could help pull New Zealand out of the recession. It is hard to see how one man could pull New Zealand out of the economic downturn we are now in but here at Ozy Mandias Warning we think that if anyone could do it it would be Dan Carter. Talking exclusively to our website Carter was downplaying his role in turning around the New Zealand economy.

At this stage John Key was unsure where the money from Carter would be pushed but indicated that giving himself a pay rise, a new set of ministerial BMW’s would most likely be the best use of the money.

CONCERNS FOR MISSING CHIEFS FORWARD PACK

Even though police have uncovered disturbing new evidence in the case of missing Chiefs forward pack, their coach Ian Foster says he believes they are still alive somewhere. The Chiefs were last seen at a pre game function before round 6 of the Super 15, but since then have gone missing.

Foster said that for the rest of the team it feels as if time has stood still since their forward pack disappeared.

“It’s not a regular day for me anymore,” said outside back Richard Kahui. “The weeks that go by, they just don’t feel like weeks, they feel like years and ages.”

Team members filed a missing person report following their loss to the Blues in week 6 when they realised they had no forward pack.

At this stage the police have been unable to find any leads into the case. Sightings of the team have been made at Mount Maunganui KFC over the past weekend, but these reports have yet to be verified.

Anyone with information about the whereabouts of the Chiefs forward pack are asked to call the Hamilton Police Station asap.

McDONALDS ANNOUNCE HURRICANES BURGER

The New Zealand McDonald’s franchise has announced a new burger which they are unveiling later this month. Known as the Hurricane Burger it is described as the perfect hamburger. But at this stage critics have not been impressed with the overall combination.

Each ingredient within the burger has been individually selected and is viewed as some of the finest in the world. In particular the fillers are believed to be some of the best that money can buy. Jane lettuce, specially soucred Nonu tomatoes and Smith cheese are individually superb.

Despite this, when the Hurricane Burger has been tasted by critics the results have been appalling. So far they have only had 1 good report from 7 attempts. Somehow the ingredients don’t seem to flow and mix together as they should. A new chef by the name of Hammett was bought in this year to see if he could turn the burger around but so far his style seems a little refined for a fast food outlet.

McCAW TELLS ROYALS – RUGBY BIGGER THAN YOUR WEDDING

Relations between Great Britain and New Zealand are reportedly at an all time low following Ritchie McCaw declining an invite to the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton.

McCaw has revealed that he’d turned down the invitation to next month’s extravaganza because he wants to focus on Super 15 and the Rugby World Cup. “I did get an invitation, it was a heck of an honour and I felt a bit lucky,” McCaw told Ozy Mandias Warning.

But for McCaw there is only one focus this year and that is the Rugby World Cup and we here at Ozy Mandias Warning think it says alot about the man when he turns down an event like this. Imagaine what his girlfriend thinks? You know who wears the pants in that relationship – Most men can’t even turn down dinner at the inlaws without running it passed their wife. Name one politican, model, celebrity or musician who would do the same? No, you cant because there is a small list of people who would turn down a gig like this and fortunately one of them will be leading our team to battle later this year. That is the kind of leader we want.

Apparently sources close to the Royal family are outraged at the snub which is the first ever rejection that the royal family have had in the last 100 years. So far amongst politicans, sporting stars, over paid musicians McCaw is the first to spit back the invite back in the Royal’s face. The Queen was particularly upset, especially with the lame excuse McCaw gave of the wedding clashing with an important physio session he had booked to work on his little toe.

CRUSADERS FORCED TO SIGN PERFORMANCE WAVER

The all-conquering Crusaders have arrived into London to a frosty reception from local rugby fans who are afraid of seeing some running rugby this weekend when the Crusaders play the Sharks. While the official reason for the delay in confirming this fixture was put down to travel, OZW (Ozy Mandias Warning) has found that the real reason were concerns that the English Rugby Union had if their fans saw some decent rugby.  Things got so bad that the Crusaders have had to sign a performance waver which stipulates certain aspects that must be included in the Crusaders game plan.

Ozy Mandias has managed to obtain a copy of the conditions and the key aspects are included below

–          No backline move within the first 45minutes of play.

–          The Crusaders must complete 4 rolling mauls before half time.

–          Dan Carter must attempt 3 drop goals within the first 60minutes.

–          Both Crusaders wingers must touch the ball only three times, this includes the warm up.

–          The first attacking move must be an up-and-under even if the Crusaders have a four man overlap and are 10m out from the try line

To you and I these rules sound rather restrictive but the English Rugby Union felt these rules were necessary to safeguard the English game. Fredrick Winterbottom, the ERU spokesman for forward play, talk exclusively to Ozy Mandias Warning earlier today and had this to say.

“We felt we had to apply a number of restrictions to the Crusaders play so that some of our usual rugby fans don’t get any ideas on how the game should be played. We work hard up here in the northern hemisphere trying to make the game as boring as possible and the last thing we need is our people seeing exciting fast paced rugby.”

Apparently no restrictions have been placed on the Sharks as they are already the most boring team in the competition and play like some second rate Heineken Cup team already.