Category Archives: CRICKET

RATTUE NAMED AS ALL BLACK ASSISTANT COACH


All Black senior coach Steve Hansen has named NZ Herald columnist Chris Rattue as his assistant coach for the next two years. Rattue’s appointment is a  shock to many who believed that Chiefs coach Ian Foster was a dead certainty for the position. However, it was a buoyant Steve Hansen who made the announcement this morning in front of a large press contingent.

Apparently Rattue will be in charge of media relations and take over from Hansen as HWM (Head of Whinging and Moaning), a post that Hansen had held exclusively for the last 8 years under Sir Graham Henry. Rattue has a lot of experience as HWM, a role he perfected at NZ HERALD while Graham Henry was coach of the All Blacks.

Hansen was full of praise for the NZ Herald writer who has been writing on rugby for the last 10 years. Hansen said “Rattue brings to the post a strong media background, a complete disregard for reasoned debate and the ability to talk utter nonsense. I think he will be perfect for the role.”

Hansen was quick to pour cold water on suggestions that Rattue would be out of his depth on the finer points of the game, highlighting that because he was ‘the media’ he could write what he liked and most people will believe him.

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AUSSIE CRICKET TO SELECT TEST TEAM VIA TEXT MESSAGE


Cricket Australia has confirmed the selection for players in the upcoming boxing Day test match will done via public online text messaging. Following the success of selecting David ‘the Basher’ Warner as the Man of the Match in the last test match against New Zealand, Cricket Australia has extended the service to selecting teams.

Apparently the online voting will begin in the next couple of days and fans will have until the 19th December to log their vote. Some experts have announced their displeasure at the new move saying this new system could open Cricket Australia up to some interesting team dynamics. At this stage early polls would have to agree with this trend as most Australian cricket followers believe Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse would be better openers than the current pair.

Australian batsman Ricky Ponting seemed pleased about the new system when he spoke with Ozy Mandias Warning earlier today.
‘Personally I am wrapped with this new system. I already have the number preprogrammed into my phone and once the lines are open I will be texting faster than a teenage girl just to get more votes for me. I think it is an excellent move by Cricket Australia, after all we decide our government by election so why should we do the same with our cricket team. “

CHRIS MARTIN FINDS HIS BUNNY


It has taken Chris Martin 64 test matches, 12869 deliveries and 210 wickets but the New Zealand pace bowler finally found his batting bunny. In one of life’s biggest ironies Martin, often considered the world’s best batting bunny, has stumbled upon Australian opener Phil Hughes. In cricketing terms the hunted has become the hunter.

Hughes has been dismissed by Martin in his last four innings, all caught at second slip and all caught by Martin Guptil.

At this stage the ICC is considering removing Chris Martin from the number one position on the Cricinfo ‘worst batter list’ and putting in the hapless Aussie opener. However, no Australian has ever held this position and there is concerns at the political backlash at such a move.


BROWNLIE DROPPED FOR 2nd TEST


Black Caps newcomer Dean Brownlie has been dropped for the second test against Australia in Hobart next week. The middle order batsman was superb against Australia scoring 77 not out in the first innings and 42 in the second. However, due to a failure to follow team instructions Brownlie will be absent from the team in the next game.

At this stage the exact reasons for his non selection are hard pin down but it is believed his ability to be patient at the crease, leave wide deliveries and move his feet were the main reasons given.
Black Caps captain Ross Taylor was forthright in his assessment of the middle order batsman.
“It is frustrating when as a team we work on a game plan and we have players who obviously want to bat to a different tune. Pre match we talked about chasing wide deliveries, going hard at the ball and being reckless with our wickets and apart from Brownlie we followed that nicely.”

Coach John Wright was equally as disappointed highlighting Brownlies short partnership with Ryder as the moment he decided to leave the batsman out of the next game.
“Brownlie obviously had an affect on Ryder. As the partnership continued he became less wreckless and more watchful. We cant have Ryder exposed to this kind of sensible batting.”

BLACK CAPS BEAT BRENDAN TAYLOR


The Black Caps have opened their summer by winning the ‘world’s most boring test match’ with a thrilling 34 run victory over Brendan Taylor.

Left a mammoth 365 for victory, the tally was too much for Brendan Taylor to do all on his own he fell 34 runs short. At one stage it look as if Brendan would achieve the target but as usually he was unable to do everything all on his own.

Black Caps captain Ross Taylor was over the moon with his team win, although he was disappointed with his teams execution in the final innings. ” For some reason we decided to get everyone out except Brendan and when you are playing a one man band like Brendan Taylor you have to target him.”

In other news Zimbabwe Cricket have acknowledge that they have applied to the ICC to change their name to the Brendan Taylor Foundation, in recognition that he does everything for their team. Apparently they have spent time talking with Daniel Vettori as inspiration when he run everything in New Zealand Cricket for a 3 year period.
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JOHN KEY ALMOST SECURES FREE TRADE DEAL WITH INDIA


John Key has continued his tour of India as he attempts to press his case for a free trade deal between the India and New Zealand cricket teams. Key had spent the last few days sightseeing around India and will today meet Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh soon for bilateral talks.

Talking exclusively to Ozy Mandias Warning, John Key said that  he would press the case for a free trade agreement, but New Zealand would not sign up to any agreement which was not quality. He indicated that any deal must include one opening batsman, a middle order batsman and one quick left arm bowler, at the very minimum.

Although there were different views between the two countries on issues such as the use of power plays and the role of the local TAB, he said coming to a solution was not unmanageable.

Ultimately however, it is believed that Key has more chance of getting through his trip without getting the ‘Dehli Belly’ than bringing any quality players back to New Zealand.

The problem arises from New Zealand’s exports in the cricketing market. While India has plenty of quality exports many Indians feel that the quality of New Zealand exports has dropped over the last few years. This was highlighted, early in the Key’s tour, when he offered the services of Tim Southee as part of the free trade deal. Unfortunately the gulf between the two nations was highlighted when India came back with by offering 4 manky cows, and a 12 year old left arm swing bowl from the Dehli slums, as their trade for one of our better bowlers.

TAYLOR NAMED AS BLACK CAPS CAPTAIN


Middle order slog sweeper specialist Ross Taylor has been announced as the new Black Caps captain taking over the position left vacant 2 years ago by Daniel Vetorri. Taylor becomes the first full time slog sweeper to lead New Zealand cricket.

Speaking exclusively to Ozymandias Warning today he talked about the realisation of a childhood dream and his surprise at getting the nod.

“I got the call from NZ Cricket General Manager Justin Vaughan earlier today, who told me that CEO of On field Affairs, John Buchanan, would be calling to let me know that John Wright the Directing Manager of Team Organisation has heard through the grape vine that The Man for All Jobs, Mark Greatbatch, has decided that I should be the man for the job. I was just over the moon.”

“At first I thought it was a joke but I had a talk with Mark Greatbatch, John Wright, John Buchanan and I liked what I heard from the three of them. Not one of them agreed on anything. It seems New Zealand Cricket has really got its structure looking good at the moment and I want to be a part of it. I like the way they are developing a group of about 7 to 8 people all at the top so when everything turns to custard nobody knows who to blame. Brilliant.”

ORAM – THE BFG TURNS INTO GOLIATH


Jacob Oram, New Zealand’s answer to the big friendly giant, has cast aside his friendly demeanor and gone all nasty against South Africa, helping the Black Caps record a stunning quarter final victory. South Africa went into the match roaring favourites with a batting line up as long as the great wall of China and bowling resources as long as Oram’s inner thigh. But depth counts for little in tournament play, as any All Black fan will tell you, and this was the case as the Black Caps outplayed the fancied Proteas in all aspects of the game.

Superb batting from Ryder and Taylor steady the Black caps ship after a difficult start. This proved to be the foundation for the lower order as Williamson and co gave New Zealand glimmer of hope with a total of 221. In the bowling department it was Oram to the fore as he sneered four wickets and a superb running boundary catch to almost single handedly beat the South Africans.

Oram has been affectionately known as the BFG in cricketing circles due to his recent inability to dictate terms to the opposition. He is a monster of a man, who posses all the tricks in the bag but he has constantly been sidelined by injury and misfortune. However, since returning from injury his form has returned has shown that he wants to get rid of the friendly BFG facade. Thankfully for New Zealand the BFG is gone and we now have a Goliath in our ranks.
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JOHN WRIGHT'S MASTER PLAN FOR THE BLACK CAPS


John Wright has finally shown his coaching skills by purposefully guiding the Black Caps to a sensational 100 run demolition job of Pakistan. Having looked at his resources when he took over the team it is believed he deliberately continued this poor form in a bid to develop overconfidence amongst the opposition. It certainly worked in this last game.

A number of Black caps players have been so faithful to this ‘game plan’ that they had followed Wrighty’s lead and preformed so poorly, even they didn’t know where a good performance could come from. And boy did this coaching technique work.

After McCullum got a good nut early, Jamie How came in and played like a man who has never played cricket before. In the past I would have slammed his inability to play anything off the square but now I can actually see that this is all part of Wright’s master plan. Jamie How was instrumental in giving the Pakistan team confidence as his strike rate start at 10 and went down hill from there. His 3 runs off about 90 balls gave the Pakistan team so much confidence they gave the completely out of form Ross Taylor two early lives, as they actually started to feel sorry for us.

But then with a flick of the switch, things turned on their head. Taylor snapped out of his prodding and pushing with a well executed drop kick over midwicket and then it was all over red rover. Pakistan were taken to the cleaners as the Black Caps produced a sublime display. Martin Guptil was superb as he played straight and forcefully for a well complied half century while Jacob Oram showed how dangerous this team could be with him coming in at nine and make our batting order longer than a giant python.

John Wright was full of praise for the efforts of How, who plays an important role in Wright’s strategy. “I thought How was superb today. It is not easy to scratch your way to a strike rate of 4.726 while hitting the middle of the bat with every ball. But he managed to do that today and that was the foundation for our victory. This gave Pakistan all the confidence they needed today once they had made a little coin on the side through strange overthrows, no-balls and poor fielding we were always on top. Bennett had been doing this role for us in previous games, but How took it to a new level today.”
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KEN RING PREDICTS BLACK CAPS WORLD CUP RESULTS


New Zealand Cricket has employed the services of prediction guru Ken Ring to predict the Black Caps next cricket match against Zimbabwe. New Zealand CEO Justin Vaughan hired the services of the weather guru in an attempt to see how his troops will fair at the up coming World Cup.

Using a complicated formula of measuring the position of Saturn and Mars in relation to the Moon, Ring has been able to predict every Black Caps batting collapse and poor bowling performance dating back to World War II.

Ozy Mandias has managed to obtain a couple of paragraphs of his report to New Zealand Cricket through the official information act.

“We think the Black Caps batting collapses have a timeline. It started 7 years ago, has begun to slow down and should cease altogether  after April 2014. By March of this year, where we are now, the batting collapse frequency should be moving back to its normal  pattern of about 1 per calendar year.

The current pattern of unusually high number batting collapses that occurred this summer was due to the alignment of the Moon, Saturn and Mars. This event happened on the 30th Dec when we were rolled for 80 against Pakistan in the 20/20.  The following month, on 9th Jan, new moon in perigee developed just before 3am. This resulted in  the collapse of the test series with New Zealand rolled and diced for 110.”

Pleasingly the next phase for the alignment of the Moon, Mars and Saturn shows that the tide may have turned for the Black Caps.  According to Ring the chances of a batting collapse from now on in the Cricket World Cup are low although he can’t rule out something strange happening on the 18th when the Black Caps play Sri Lanka. This is exciting news for the black Caps as they build towards the business end of the tournament.

So in conclusion Ring is predicting Black caps victories against Zimbabwe, Pakistan, Canada and a close one against Sri Lanka. From then on even the mighty Ken Ring and his weather chart are even flying in the dark.

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