Blog Archives

AUSSIE CRICKET TO SELECT TEST TEAM VIA TEXT MESSAGE


Cricket Australia has confirmed the selection for players in the upcoming boxing Day test match will done via public online text messaging. Following the success of selecting David ‘the Basher’ Warner as the Man of the Match in the last test match against New Zealand, Cricket Australia has extended the service to selecting teams.

Apparently the online voting will begin in the next couple of days and fans will have until the 19th December to log their vote. Some experts have announced their displeasure at the new move saying this new system could open Cricket Australia up to some interesting team dynamics. At this stage early polls would have to agree with this trend as most Australian cricket followers believe Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse would be better openers than the current pair.

Australian batsman Ricky Ponting seemed pleased about the new system when he spoke with Ozy Mandias Warning earlier today.
‘Personally I am wrapped with this new system. I already have the number preprogrammed into my phone and once the lines are open I will be texting faster than a teenage girl just to get more votes for me. I think it is an excellent move by Cricket Australia, after all we decide our government by election so why should we do the same with our cricket team. “

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AUSTRALIA RECRUIT 17 YEAR OLD BATTING COACH


The Australian Cricket Selectors have moved with haste to rectify the Aussie cricket team by employing a little known 17 year old boy named Daniel Frew. Yesterday was Frew’s first day on the job and to say things went a little pear shaped is an understatement.

Early yesterday morning Clarke gave his autograph to Frew thinking he was just another of his large fan base. However, when Frew appeared in the media conference later in the day he gave the struggling Aussie captain some sound advice on how to break his form slump.

Told he was pushing at the ball too much and playing in front of his body, a jovial Clarke asked what he should be doing and was instructed to ”play in front of your nose and under your eyes and not be reaching for it too much”.

”That’s how you’re going to get out,” said Daniel Frew, 17, from Geelong in Victoria. Those rather sharp words left Clarke ina sour mood and when the two posed for a photo after the press conference tension was running high.

Clarke was unimpressed when Frew asked him to borrow his bat and refused but the new coach put the man in his place by saying ”Why not? You never use it in the middle.”

Daniel Frew’s tips for Michael Clarke

  • Play the ball under his eyes and nose
  • Take a bigger stride
  • Time the ball better
  • Watch it on to the bat
  • Don’t jump away
  • When on back foot stand up straight, don’t crouch
  • Stay balanced at the crease

Ozy Mandias’s tips for Michael Clarke

  • spend more time in the nets then in front of the mirror
  • watch the ball and not Lara Bingle
  • don’t get out on the booze the night before a game
  • dont think just because you are an Aussie you are automatically good at crciket
  • give up the game and become a Channel Nine Commentator
  • finally spend some time on your shocking website. What on earth is that shirt you are wearing. Little wonder every man in the Western World thinks you are a plonker!

 

BLACKS CAPS IN RUNNING FOR WORST TEAM IN 2010


New Zealand Cricket is thinging about a name change.

The Black Caps have hit back at Australia, with two comprehensive One Day International losses at the hands of India, as both teams via for the World’s Worst Cricket Team in 2010. With both teams fighting for this prestigious award Australia looked to be the front runner, but a late charge from the Blacks Caps could see them take the award for the 3rd successive year.

Australia looked to the trophy wrapped up with 7 consecutive One Day International loses in November and then they backed this up with a poor test result against an average England side. But in the sport of cricket never underestimate the Black Caps. They flattered to deceive in the Test Matches against India and looked to have avoided the award in 2010 with only a 1-0 series loss. But with their backs to the wall they have come out and produced form that has been the hallmark of New Zealand sides for the last 10 years. A comprehensive 5-0 ODI series loss to India has increased our current loss record to Eleven consecutive One Day International defeats.

Daniel Vettori had this to say.

“Obviously we want to finish the year on a high and the way we are playing the only thing we can win is the World’s Worst Cricket team award. So that is what we are aiming for. Today I was happy with how the boys played. BMac was brilliant. Trying to flick a full straight off stump delivery to fine leg is the kind of form we want to have from our openers and with Guptil continuing to fiddle with anything outside his off stump, we have the foundation for a rubbish side.”

However Vetorri was cautious about celebrating prematurely. Australia still have 2 test matches against the English before we welcome 2011 and you should never write off an Australian team in any competition.

PONTING CALLS ALL AUSTRALIANS TO TRY RAIN DANCE


Ricky Ponting talks to media as he calls all Australians to join in his teams rain dance.

For the first time in his career Ricky Ponting called his team together to perform a rain dance in a bid to avoid defeat in a cricket match. The call was made by captain Ponting after Clark was dismissed in the final over of day four, effectively ending Australia’s hope of batting out for a draw on the final day of the 2nd Ashes Test. With the pitch turning square, and Australia’s fragile middle order now exposed, Ponting had no option but to call the team together for an impromtu rain dance at the close of play.

Speaking exclusively to Ozy Mandias Warning Ponting seemed upbeat about the chance of the dance working.

“Obviously, over the last year as our team form has slipped we have looked into the use of the rain dance as an effective game plan to avoid defeat. Simon Katich has done a lot of work looking into the different types of dances and their relative effec

tiveness. He even spent a little time with the Black Caps looking into the plans they have developed for their rain dances. Obviously we are little behind the Black Caps who initiate this thing in almost every test match, but we have made some good progress over the last few weeks.”

When questioned into what dance they had employed and the finer details Ponting was very tight lipped. However, Ozy Mandias Warning has managed to capture exclusive picture of Ponting dressed as an Indian leading the team in an intricate dance routine.

Send Aussie our rotton apples


The saying goes, ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’. I’m not sure if this saying is true but it does underline the importance of apples in our daily diet. This importance was further reinforced to me yesterday when apparently a 90 year old battle between Australia and New Zealand came to an end and we are now allowed to send our apples to their country.

As you would expect the apple growers in New Zealand are excited about the prospect of sending our ‘Granny Smith’s’ across the ditch. For me I’m not so sure. I have had the pleasure of going to Aussie about 5 times and would have to say the average Australia is funny, friendly and generally a good bloke. Trouble is that during any of my visits there I have yet to find an average Aussie. Basically their country is like our big brother – loud, arrogant but there if we get into a little trouble.

Deep down my real concern is that it won’t take them long to claim our apples as there own. As New Zealanders we are constantly being ripped off by our neighbours as year after year they take our best and claim it for themselves. From racehorses to food to bands  to celebrities they have raped and pillaged the best of our little country and the next thing on their list will be our apples. We have a rich history in apples and I dont think we should give that up easily. Could this be the tip of the fruit iceberg and next on their list will be kiwifruit?? Heaven help us.

My other concern is that soon we will have nothing left in New Zealand at all. Statistic show that now about 850,000 Kiwi’s live in Aussie and that number is growing quicker than a teenage zit as their economy booms and we stagnate like a smelly puddle. I can see a time in the future when I am sitting alone in Tauranga while everyone enjoys the sun, surf and sports of Australia.  They say that Auckland is the capital city of Samoa. Within a few years Sydney will be the capital city of New Zealand and Wellington the capital of nothing more than a strong breeze. I hadn’t been too worried about this trend, clinging to the words of former PM Muldoon that “when a New Zealander leaves for Australia they improve the IQ of both nations”. However, I never envisaged that they would move from importing people to importing our most valuable asset, apples. I wonder if Muldoon’s quote still holds true with apples??

What I find ironic about this whole story is that the reason we weren’t allowed to export our apples in the first place was due to the dangerous ‘bugs’ that could be on our fruit. Dangerous bugs… New Zealand. If there is one abiding memory I have from Aussie it is the bugs and the flies. The place is sliding, creeping and crawling with everything from no legs to 200. Australia was God’s experiment for everything creepy, crawly and  dangerous.  For them to have a go at us about a little fruit fly is a little bit on the nose and filled with irony.

This got me thinking into the top 5 ironic moments the world has seen. I think Aussie’s apple excuse of 90 years makes the top five but these four a slightly better.

1. Artist asked to paint headmaster who expelled him.An artist who was thrown out of school and told he would ‘never amount to much’ was commissioned to paint a portrait of the headmaster who expelled him 55 years later. David Ingham was thrown out of Ermysted’s Grammar School as a 12-year -old by Marcelus Forster. But the 67-year-old, who went on to become an art teacher himself, was approached by the school last November to paint a portrait of Mr Forster.  link

2. Man drowns at Lifeguard Party – A man died at a Lifeguard Party celebrating a ‘drowning free’ summer. link

3. Darwin, the man who rose to importance in genetics, married his first cousin. Darwin was a logical man, and he approached the important issue of marriage like he would any problem. In The Correspondence of Charles Darwin, Darwin made careful pro and con list of marriage to his first cousin, Emma Wedgwood:   link

4. Running guru dies of heart attack with blocked arteries. James Fixx  was the author of the best-selling book, The Complete Book of Running. Best known as Jim Fixx, he is credited with helping start America’s fitness revolution, popularizing the sport of running and demonstrating the health benefits of regular jogging. Fixx started running in 1967 at age 35. He weighed 110kg and smoked two packs of cigarettes per day. Ten years later, when his book, Complete Book of Running(which spent 11 weeks at No. 1 on the best-seller list) was published, he was 60 pounds (30 kg) lighter and smoke-free. However, Fixx died at the age of 52 of a  heart attack after his daily run. The autopsy revealed that had blocked one coronary artery 95%, a second 85%, and a third 50%. link

So next time you crunch into a shiny New Zealand apple I hope you are reminded of our big brother across the ditch. I hope it reminds you of all the things they have stolen from us and how they are so quick to point out the speak in our fruit, while missing the plank of bugs they have in their own.

http://www.youtube.com/v/UT6oZqYij8U

Australia Day


Today is the 26th January and is AUSTRALIA DAY. Despite loathing Australians I am a fan of Australia Day as it reminds me of one of our greatest cricketing victories against the old foe. Today let us remeber Australia, as we should, be reflecting on one of our great victories over them

On the 26th January 2002 the Black Caps beat Australia for the 3rd consecutive time. In this match it was the express pace of Shane Bond which bought about the great victory. Oh to have Bond back later this summer when we try and repeat 2002.

2002 scorecard

http://www.youtube.com/v/BqncmW2gYHE

To finish off today lets have a couple of Aussie jokes to cheer us up

An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain.
Anyway the englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and say “I am terribly sorry, theres been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!”
The englishman sits up and simply say “She’ll be right, mate”

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”