The worst sound in the world – vuvuzela

The vuvuzela - a sound like no other.

I know you have heard it. That un-ending drone  that suddenly started a few days ago and just seems to be getting louder by the day. That buzzy-bee throb that is constantly on in the background.  That awful mono pitched vibration that seems to  warble out of your TV, is none other than the noise from the vuvuzela horn. I had been looking so forward to the World Cup but never has a football game been so painful to watch due to that constant din produced by that crazy long horn. In desperation I have purchased a pair of earmuffs for the All Whites opening game.

For those of my readers with no interest in the World Cup the ‘vuvuzela’ is a stadium horn measuring about 1 m in length. It is blown using your lips and tongue and is popular in South Africa football game. Apparently there is something similar used in South America, which already means I am a little sceptical about the 2016 Olympics.

Now I will put my stake in the ground and say that the vuvuzela should be banned or at the very least muffled in some way. For me it makes it hard to concerntrate and means that some other countires cant support their team in their traditional way. Catus Kate rightly wonders how apartheid lasted so long in South Africa and one must wonder why it wasn’t used as a weapon against the Apartheid regime.

However, when thinking about this noise the question must be asked; does the vuvuzela make the top five list of most annoying sounds? This is a big question as there are many annoying sounds in the world.  Personally I don’t think it has had the longevity to warrant its place in the top 5, although my view may have changed come the final. So my top five of most annoying sounds, lookssounds something like this.

First up lets keep it in Africa and go with the South African accent. To me this is one of the world’s most hideous noises, particularly when we hear them giving a victory speech following a rugby game. Thankfully the vuvuzela actually drowns out an other noise within 5km  so although the matches have been in South African I have yet to hear that awful accent that sounds like someone talking with an egg in their mouth.

Secondly, one cant go past someone eating loudly. I dont know what it is but this one really annoys me. Personally hard dry foods are annoying but sloppy, soggy food eaten loudly drives me nuts. When seeing some people eat I have no doubts that we have evolved from monkeys and it is sad that the 1% of DNA that sets us apart from those cereatures is not their eating habits.

It would be remiss of me not to mention Hannah Montana in my list of top five most annoying sounds. I don’t believe there would be a punishment more devastating that having to hang around that girls high pitched twang for an entire day. Americans on a whole are loud, Montana adds to that quality a nauseating high pitched squeal that would drive most people  nuts. I am sure that the US Army have attempted to use her as a weapon of mass destruction and my heartfelt sympathies go out to those people who confront this weapon during war. That’s just her talking, wait till she starts to sing.

Coming in at number four is those cow bells from Hamilton. Hamilton, aka Satan’s armpit, is not my most favoured city within New Zealand. If its not stinking muggy its is raining and you cant even pick your nose due to the fog. But what really annoys me about that place is a trip to Rugby Park and those hideous cow bells. They just ring and ring and don’t stop for an entire 80mins. What is worse is that their team is rubbish so all that noise does nothing to help them play any better.

Finally on my list of most annoying noises is the Australian Cricket commentary team. Now I have to qualify things a little here. In the past I have enjoyed the smooth tones of Ritchie Benaud and co. However, in recent years we have seen the retirement of some of the games greats and their move sideways into the commentary box. Slater, Healy, Gilchrist and Warne  were all great players but when they start talking it is my living hell. Added to that we have that English poof Mark Nicholas and it is a sound that can wreck my summer. 

As I reflect on that list I imagine what it would be like combining all those noises together. For me my greatest nightmare would be watching cricket in a Hamilton pub, run by a South African with the man sitting next to me eating his nachos loudly and some plonker has just selected Hannah Montana from the Jukebox. If that ever happened I would have no option but to bring out my vuvuzela and drown them all out.